How is it that a word that has seemingly no official origin can for centuries, divide, degrade, and demean an entire race of people? One little six letter word that can be used maliciously and as a term of endearment has managed to cause debates, discussions and even arguments for years. Some say it originated when Europeans referred to people of color that came from the region near the River Niger. They were said to have referred to them as “nigers”. That’s right, if you haven’t guessed it, I’m talking about the word “nigger”.
The English language has over 200,000 words and is ever changing and evolving, which leads some to believe that there are over 1 million words in the English language already. Why is it that this ONE word causes so much controversy?
What’s in a word….really?
There was a time when school children, in an attempt to deflect what someone was saying about them or their family, would say, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”.
Why does the word “nigger” hurt so much?
Some people contend that it’s the history of the word, the malice with which it was used, and the actions of the people that used it towards Blacks. This is a valid point; knowing and understanding your history is important. However, it’s one thing to know your history, but it's another when you can't let go of the past.
During slavery and the Jim Crow era, a white person calling you a "nigger" was the absolute least of things they could or would do to you. I don’t recall seeing any photographs or watching any movies where the word nigger was used to hang a Black person, but I have seen when a noose was used. Why isn’t “noose” a more controversial word?
In fact out of the over 200,000 words in the English language, I can think of several other words that are used to describe Black people that are far more hurtful and detrimental to the race than "nigger". To name a few: uneducated, unemployed, under-employed, uninsured, uninformed, everything but unified. Seems to me being called an "un" is far worse than being called a nigger.
Repeat the next string of words aloud and see what happens: NIGGER, NIGGER, NIGGER, NIGGER, NIGGER.
How many young Black men got shot dead in the streets when you did that? How many young Black girls got pregnant? How many Black women contracted HIV? How many Black men lost their jobs? How many young Black men decided to drop out of high school? How many Black children went hungry? How many died because they can’t afford decent healthcare?
Yes, given its history the word “nigger” is nasty and hateful, but we have given it too much power for far too long. We have allowed it to be a distraction from our real issues for far too long. Why? Because a White man told us that it was a derogatory term that was intended to degrade and demoralize us? Is it simply because a White man said that was the case that we let six letters define who we are as a people?
We have several issues that have a negative impact on our communities and our race as a whole. If we were to list them, the word “nigger” should be at the bottom. Better yet, it shouldn’t even make the list.
Well that’s The Green Chimp’s take on it. What’s yours?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
A SOFAKINGHOOD CHRISTMAS (FINALE)
Scene 7(Finale)
Willie is awakened by the chirp of a car alarm being set. He goes to the window to see who just parked outside of his and he sees Fahkir coming around the front of an '84 Cutlass and walking toward the front door. Willie dashes downstairs to greet Fahkir.
Willie (talking through the door as he opens it): Aww man Fucker, am I glad to see you! I've been having the craziest fuckin' dre--
Willie tries to give Fahkir a pound but his fist passes right through Fahkir's hand.
Willie: Naw maaan!! Not you too!
Ghostly Fahkir: I am not Fahkir, I am the ghost of Christmas future. Follow meee, follow meee, follow meee.
Willie: But wait, you're a...Y'all don't celebre....Man fuck it, where we going?
Ghostly Fahkir: Follow meeee
Willie and the ghost walk back to the '84 Cutlass.
Willie: Man you always gotta try to be different don't you? All the other ghosts floated, but you got a nigga walking to this ragglass car.
Willie gets into the passenger seat. Ghostly Fahkir gets into the drivers seat, cranks the car and turns up the radio.
“Iiii saw mommy kissing Saaanta Claus, (Santa Claus) underneath the mistletoe last niiiiight”
Willie (sarcastically): Ha Ha, very fucking funny, I see you got jokes and shit witcha see through ass.
Wiliie and Ghostly Fahkir arrive at a high school football game where he sees Ja'stasia who looks much older than he remembers.
Announcer: He's at the 40, the 30, the 20, 10, 5...TOUCHDOWN WILDCATS!!!! Willasious Turner has scored his fourth rushing touchdown of the game!! What an amazing talent this kid is.
Ja'stasia: That's my baby! That's my baby!
Before Willie could say anything, he and Ghostly Fahkir are back in the Cutlass.
Willie: Where are we going now?
They come to an apartment where Williasious and Ja'stasia are sitting at the table having a late dinner.
Williasious: Mom?
Ja'stasia: Yes baby.
Willasious: I'm thinking about giving up football.
Ja'stasia: WHAT!?! Why on earth would you want to do that? You love football, and so many colleges want you to come play for them and are offering you a free ride. You could be the first Turner to go to college. Why don't you want to play anymore?
Willasious: Well, after the games all the other players' dads are waiting on them to pat them on the back even the ones that are drunk and cuss the refs out the whole time. Don't get me wrong ma, it's great to see you at the end of the game with that big smile on your face, but it's just not the same without having a dad there.
Ja'stasia: I--(speechless)
Meanwhile, Ghostly Fahkir has opened two movie-like windows on the kitchen cabinets showing Willie the scenarios for what would happen if Willasious kept playing football and went to college, and showing him getting into all kinds of trouble if he quits and hangs around Sofakinghood. Willie tries to say something to him and Ja'stasia but they can't see or hear him.
Ghostly Fahkir: You have a choice to make Willie. I will be there for you bro. *extends hand as if to give Willie some dap*
Willie reaches his hand out.
Ghostly Fahkir: *yanks hand back* SIKE!!! Thought you had a friend!
Willie (yelling at Ghostly Fahkir as he vanishes laughing uncontrollably): You play too got damn much Fucker!!
Willie is tossing and turning in his bed and still cursing Ghostly Fahkir out.
Willie: You old shoe bombing, gas station clerking, towel head summamabitch!!
Ms. Jackson hears Willie and wakes him up.
Ms. Jackson: Willie! Wake up! Willie, you're having a bad dream, wake up!
Willie jumps out of the bed and feels his mother's arms and face to make sure she's real.
Willie: Thank God you're real!
Ms. Jackson: Of course I'm real fool! I told you, you need to stop smoking that shit!
Willie: I thought you were going out, what time is it?
Ms. Jackson: It's only 8:30 and you know how your grandma is about getting to the club too early.
Willie: I know, I know. Only squares and stalkers get to the club that early. Anyway, I gotta go! I'll be back. Oh, and Merry Christmas ma!
Ms. Jackson: Wow! I haven't heard that from you in years. Merry Christmas Willie!
Willie dashes out of the house to Ja'stasia's Nail Shop and Condom Wholesale.
Willie bursts through the door of the nail shop.
Willie: Ja'stasia! We need to talk!
Ja'stasia: Fuck you want Willie? I already called yo grandmama back and told her I got the polish she needs.
Willie: No, it's not about that. Look, can we go in the back and talk?
Willie and Ja'stasia go to the back of the shop where he explains to her what happened at the Maury show and offers to take another DNA test from a place of her choice. They agree and Willie leaves.
As he is walking down the street his phone rings and it's Mr. Peterson, the head of the dog competition that he used to work for.
Mr. Peterson: Willie, I don't know how you keep getting away with this, The Mirandas who are our biggest contributors said that their grandson Travis had the most fun he's ever had at the show when you threw that boomerang and he has even decided to become a dog trainer. Well long story short, we want you back if you will come back.
Willie: Hmmm, let me think...Just kidding OF COURSE I'll come back.
They work out the particulars and Willie hangs up.
Willie (to himself): Now there's just one more thing I need to straighten out.
When Willie got home he went to one of those people finding websites and looked up Isaac Mayfield. Two weeks later, Isaac was at the front door. When Ms. Jackson answered he proposed on the spot, and she accepted. As for Willie, Ja'stasia and Willasious, they found out what Willie already knew. Willie was indeed the father. They sued the Maury show and won $200 million. Williasious was voted to his first Pro Bowl 20years later.
El fin (The End)
Willie is awakened by the chirp of a car alarm being set. He goes to the window to see who just parked outside of his and he sees Fahkir coming around the front of an '84 Cutlass and walking toward the front door. Willie dashes downstairs to greet Fahkir.
Willie (talking through the door as he opens it): Aww man Fucker, am I glad to see you! I've been having the craziest fuckin' dre--
Willie tries to give Fahkir a pound but his fist passes right through Fahkir's hand.
Willie: Naw maaan!! Not you too!
Ghostly Fahkir: I am not Fahkir, I am the ghost of Christmas future. Follow meee, follow meee, follow meee.
Willie: But wait, you're a...Y'all don't celebre....Man fuck it, where we going?
Ghostly Fahkir: Follow meeee
Willie and the ghost walk back to the '84 Cutlass.
Willie: Man you always gotta try to be different don't you? All the other ghosts floated, but you got a nigga walking to this ragglass car.
Willie gets into the passenger seat. Ghostly Fahkir gets into the drivers seat, cranks the car and turns up the radio.
“Iiii saw mommy kissing Saaanta Claus, (Santa Claus) underneath the mistletoe last niiiiight”
Willie (sarcastically): Ha Ha, very fucking funny, I see you got jokes and shit witcha see through ass.
Wiliie and Ghostly Fahkir arrive at a high school football game where he sees Ja'stasia who looks much older than he remembers.
Announcer: He's at the 40, the 30, the 20, 10, 5...TOUCHDOWN WILDCATS!!!! Willasious Turner has scored his fourth rushing touchdown of the game!! What an amazing talent this kid is.
Ja'stasia: That's my baby! That's my baby!
Before Willie could say anything, he and Ghostly Fahkir are back in the Cutlass.
Willie: Where are we going now?
They come to an apartment where Williasious and Ja'stasia are sitting at the table having a late dinner.
Williasious: Mom?
Ja'stasia: Yes baby.
Willasious: I'm thinking about giving up football.
Ja'stasia: WHAT!?! Why on earth would you want to do that? You love football, and so many colleges want you to come play for them and are offering you a free ride. You could be the first Turner to go to college. Why don't you want to play anymore?
Willasious: Well, after the games all the other players' dads are waiting on them to pat them on the back even the ones that are drunk and cuss the refs out the whole time. Don't get me wrong ma, it's great to see you at the end of the game with that big smile on your face, but it's just not the same without having a dad there.
Ja'stasia: I--(speechless)
Meanwhile, Ghostly Fahkir has opened two movie-like windows on the kitchen cabinets showing Willie the scenarios for what would happen if Willasious kept playing football and went to college, and showing him getting into all kinds of trouble if he quits and hangs around Sofakinghood. Willie tries to say something to him and Ja'stasia but they can't see or hear him.
Ghostly Fahkir: You have a choice to make Willie. I will be there for you bro. *extends hand as if to give Willie some dap*
Willie reaches his hand out.
Ghostly Fahkir: *yanks hand back* SIKE!!! Thought you had a friend!
Willie (yelling at Ghostly Fahkir as he vanishes laughing uncontrollably): You play too got damn much Fucker!!
Willie is tossing and turning in his bed and still cursing Ghostly Fahkir out.
Willie: You old shoe bombing, gas station clerking, towel head summamabitch!!
Ms. Jackson hears Willie and wakes him up.
Ms. Jackson: Willie! Wake up! Willie, you're having a bad dream, wake up!
Willie jumps out of the bed and feels his mother's arms and face to make sure she's real.
Willie: Thank God you're real!
Ms. Jackson: Of course I'm real fool! I told you, you need to stop smoking that shit!
Willie: I thought you were going out, what time is it?
Ms. Jackson: It's only 8:30 and you know how your grandma is about getting to the club too early.
Willie: I know, I know. Only squares and stalkers get to the club that early. Anyway, I gotta go! I'll be back. Oh, and Merry Christmas ma!
Ms. Jackson: Wow! I haven't heard that from you in years. Merry Christmas Willie!
Willie dashes out of the house to Ja'stasia's Nail Shop and Condom Wholesale.
Willie bursts through the door of the nail shop.
Willie: Ja'stasia! We need to talk!
Ja'stasia: Fuck you want Willie? I already called yo grandmama back and told her I got the polish she needs.
Willie: No, it's not about that. Look, can we go in the back and talk?
Willie and Ja'stasia go to the back of the shop where he explains to her what happened at the Maury show and offers to take another DNA test from a place of her choice. They agree and Willie leaves.
As he is walking down the street his phone rings and it's Mr. Peterson, the head of the dog competition that he used to work for.
Mr. Peterson: Willie, I don't know how you keep getting away with this, The Mirandas who are our biggest contributors said that their grandson Travis had the most fun he's ever had at the show when you threw that boomerang and he has even decided to become a dog trainer. Well long story short, we want you back if you will come back.
Willie: Hmmm, let me think...Just kidding OF COURSE I'll come back.
They work out the particulars and Willie hangs up.
Willie (to himself): Now there's just one more thing I need to straighten out.
When Willie got home he went to one of those people finding websites and looked up Isaac Mayfield. Two weeks later, Isaac was at the front door. When Ms. Jackson answered he proposed on the spot, and she accepted. As for Willie, Ja'stasia and Willasious, they found out what Willie already knew. Willie was indeed the father. They sued the Maury show and won $200 million. Williasious was voted to his first Pro Bowl 20years later.
El fin (The End)
Friday, December 24, 2010
A SOFAKINGHOOD CHRISTMAS SCENES 4-6
Scene 4
Willie walks into the house and flops down on the couch and exhales. For some reason he starts to stare at the Christmas tree.
Willie: MA!!!....Yo Ma!
Willie's mom comes from the kitchen wiping her hands on her apron.
Ms. Jackson: What is it Willie? I'm trynna cook foe I go down to Huckabucks's with Florene and your grandmomma. Why you hollin' like you done lost yo mind? What little you had left.
Willie: I think your Christmas lights broke. Like they got a short in 'em or something.
Ms. Jackson: They look fine to me. What are you talking about?
Willie: Just look at 'em, watch 'em start blinking.
Ms. Jackson: Fool! They are supposed to blink! They're Christmas lights! You need to stop smokin that shit! I aint got time for this foolishness. You look high as a Mink coat!
Willie: Aint nobody high, I'm just tired.
Ms. Jackson: Tired? Tired from what? Yo ass aint worked in 2 weeks 'cause you got fired from your job as a Frisbee Thrower at the dog show. All you had to do was keep throwing the frisbees for the dogs like you been doing. But noooo, my son, Willie Donzellous Hamilton Jackson decides that it would be fun to throw a got damn boomerang and fucked around and had Mastivs and Border Collies all up in the stands trampling folks trying to get the damn thang. You lucky they just fired you and didn't lock yo crazy ass up.
Willie tunes Ms. Jackson out as she continues to read him the riot act.
Ms. Jackson: ...and aint no telling what little heffas you been having running in and outta here while I'm at work. You would thank that mess with Ja' whats her face woulda taught you something--
Willie: Ok, ok Ma dang!! Aren't you supposed to be going out?
Ms. Jackson: Oh shit! I almost forgot about my food in here fooling with you.
Ms. Jackson hurries back into the kitchen to see a cloud of smoke.
Ms. Jackson: Got dammit Willie!! I done burnt my biscuits.
Willie tiptoes upstairs to his room to avoid round 2 with his mom.
Willie (to himself): Whew boy! A nigga tired eh fuh.
*turns on TV, lays on the bed and dozes off*
(End Scene)
SCENE 5
Willie is awakened by a really cool breeze in his room.
Willie(rubbing his arms trying to heat them up): What the hell going on in here it's cold as a muffuka! I bet mama turned off the heat by mistake on her way out.
As Willie goes down the hallway to check the thermostat, he hears the sound of chains rattling, then suddenly sees a man that appears to be transparent, dressed in a Santa outfit coming towards him.
Willie(screams): Aaaaahhhhh!!! Who the fuck are you?? What are you doing in here? And why the fuck you turn off the heat? Wait a minute, you the mall Santa from when I was six!!
Ghostly Santa(in an echoing ghostly voice): I am the ghost of Christmas Past. Follow meeee! Follow meee! Follow meeee....
Willie tries to run but his feet won't move and he starts to float behind his visitor. Willie and Ghostly Santa pass through the red brick walls of his project buliding and float outside to the window of another project apartment. He remembered the apartment from his childhood. There was the picture of Jesus on the wall in the living room, the big ass wooden spoon and fork on the wall in the kitchen, the plastic runner that went from the front of the apartment all the way to the back door, the beads hanging in the doorway to separate rooms, and the neon picture of the naked black woman that glows when you turn on the purple(black) light behind a card table where Ms. Jackson, Ms. Florene, Auntie Helen and Grandma Jackson are playing spades.
Willie: Hey man, this is my old apartment. What are we doing here?
Ghostly Santa gestures for Willie to be quiet and to pay attention.
(background music)
Bells will be ringing
this sad sad sad news
Oh what a Christmas
to have the blues
Grandama Jackson: You a got damn lie Helen! You DID cut diamonds!
Auntie Helen: Aint nobody cut no diamonds yo ass just drunk! If you think I renigged then pick the book.
Grandma Jackson reaches for the whole pile of books that Auntie Helen and Ms. Florene have dragged.
Auntie Helen: Oh hell no you aint!!! Pick the book I renigged on. You aint finna be looking through all our books.
Ms. Jackson: Ahhh hell, here we go with this shit. Mama, just let it go. We gone set they ass anyway.
Grandma Jackson: Naw, Janice. Fuck that! This bitch cheats everytime we play cards and you always talmbout let it go. Unh-uh not this time! And Helen don't thank I didn't know that was you that stole that quarter out my pocketbook when y'all was little either. Always have been a cheater and a liar. I hope yo husband find out about that cracka' with that chink wife you been messin'round with, and I hope her little Cambodian ass kung-fu the shit outta you!
Ms. Jackson(Gasps): MAMA!?!
Grandma Jackson: Well it's true, tell me I'm lying if it aint the truth. Tell the truth and shame the devil!
Ms. Jackson: You know what? That's it, all y'all gots to go. You aint got to go home, but you got to get the hell outta here. You too mama, let's go. Make no damn sense, y'all can't sit down and have a few dranks with out starting some shit.
Grandma Jackson(scoffs): Well I've been thrown out of better places than this. Where my got damn coat?
Ms. Florene(Willie's mom's best friend), pulls Ms. Jackson to the side.
Ms. Florene(to Ms. Jackson under her breath): Bitch you aint slick, It's 10:30, which means the mall is closed and Isaac's shift as the mall Santa is over.
Ms. Jackson(giggling): Girrrrl, you know I love me some Isaac. Don't say nothing to mama nem though, you know how they can be.
Ms. Florene: You know your secret's safe with me.
Grandma Jackson(still riled up): I know y'all bitches aint over there whispereing bout me!!
Ms. Florene: No, Mrs. Ernestine we aint talking about you. You got your coat? Come on, I'll drop you and Helen off.
Auntie Helen: SHOTGUN!!!
Grandma Jackson: I'ont want yo ass setting behind me no way, 'cause I don't trust you far as I can throw you.
Ms. Florene laughs and shakes her head and the three leave.
A few minutes later there's a knock at the door.
Ms. Jackson: Hey baby, I see you came right over after work. You know I love a man in uniform, but I guess yo Santa outfit will have to do.
Isaac: Ha ha, very funny Janice. But I couldn't wait to see you. Where's the little man?
Ms. Jackson: Oh, he's upstairs sleep.
Isaac(with a devilish grin): Oh yeah????
The two fall on the couch and proceed to get it on.
Willie turns away because he knows what's about to happen.
Ms. Jackson: Isaac stop!
Isaac: What's wrong baby?
Ms. Jackson: You gotta go.
Isaac: Wait, what I do?
Ms. Jackson: Just go Isaac, just go.
Isaac leaves and Ms. Jackson sits on the couch devastated.
Ms. Jackson(to herself): Damn! I can't believe I let Willie see me doing that. What am I going to say to him?
Ghostly Santa looks at Willie who has tears in his eyes.
Ghostly Santa: Nigga you crying??
Willie: Naw man, aint nobody crying. Sometimes my eyeballs just sweat. Why did you bring me here?
Ghostly Santa: Your mother was so hurt by the fact that you saw that, that she never allowed Isaac to visit again and eventually she cut off all communication with him, even though she was madly in love with him and thought they would get married someday.
Willie: Damn, I never knew that.
Ghostly Santa vanishes...
(End Scene)
Scene 6
Willie wakes up out of his bed in a cold sweat.
Willie: Man, that's some good shit Dr. Anderson has this week. That dream was crazy as a muffucka.
Willie drifts back off to sleep. As soon as he's sleeping again he hears...
Jeffery Jingles(dressed in a long white robe):
On the first day if Christmas my true love gave to meeee, A real bad case of herpeeees
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 strange rashes, and a real bad case of herpeees
On the third day of Christmas my true love ga--
Willie: Jeffrey Jingles! What the fuck are you doing in my house? And why aint yo feet touching the ground?
Ghostly Jeffrey: I'm not Jeffrey Jingles, I am the ghost of Christmas Present. Follow meee, follow meeee, follow meeee.
Willie(to himself): This can't be life. I gotta quit smoking that shit.
Ghostly Jeffrey and Willie float off together to the set of the Maury show.
Willie: Maaan, how did I know when you showed up it was gonna be some bullshit? What are we doing at the Maury show?
Ghostly Jeffrey motions for Willie to look as a production assistant and Maury are having a talk before Willie and Ja'stasia's segment.
PA: Maury we have the results in the case of Willasious, Willie, and Ja'stasia.
Maury: Ok, what are they.
PA: Looks like Willie IS the father.
Maury: Damn it!! That's the fourth one this week! Our ratings are going to take a hit, we have to change those results.
PA: But--
Maury: No buts, if you want to keep your job you will change those results.
*Cut to Willie and Ja'stasia's segment
Ja'stasia: Muhrry, I'm is one hundred and thirty thousand percent sure that this is Willie's baby!! Look at him Muhrry! Look at his nose and his eyebrows, that's Willie all day!
Maury: Willie, why don't you think this adorable baby boy is yours?
Willie: Plain and simple Marr, she a hoe!
Audience: Boooo!!!! (beeeep) Boooo!!!
Ja'stasia: If I'm a hoe, yo mama a hoe. Matter fact yo grandmama a hoe. Err'body know she fucking the Mr. Jimmy who owns the Jimmy's Title Pawn and Vegetable Market.
Willie: Bitch you better get off my grandmama
Ja'stasia: Don't tell me that, tell Mr. Jimmy!
Maury: Ok, OK you two. I have the results...
Willie relives the moment in his head then remembers the conversation between Maury and the production assistant.
Willie: Mutha! Fucka!!
Ghostly Jeffrey vanishes.
(End Scene)
Willie walks into the house and flops down on the couch and exhales. For some reason he starts to stare at the Christmas tree.
Willie: MA!!!....Yo Ma!
Willie's mom comes from the kitchen wiping her hands on her apron.
Ms. Jackson: What is it Willie? I'm trynna cook foe I go down to Huckabucks's with Florene and your grandmomma. Why you hollin' like you done lost yo mind? What little you had left.
Willie: I think your Christmas lights broke. Like they got a short in 'em or something.
Ms. Jackson: They look fine to me. What are you talking about?
Willie: Just look at 'em, watch 'em start blinking.
Ms. Jackson: Fool! They are supposed to blink! They're Christmas lights! You need to stop smokin that shit! I aint got time for this foolishness. You look high as a Mink coat!
Willie: Aint nobody high, I'm just tired.
Ms. Jackson: Tired? Tired from what? Yo ass aint worked in 2 weeks 'cause you got fired from your job as a Frisbee Thrower at the dog show. All you had to do was keep throwing the frisbees for the dogs like you been doing. But noooo, my son, Willie Donzellous Hamilton Jackson decides that it would be fun to throw a got damn boomerang and fucked around and had Mastivs and Border Collies all up in the stands trampling folks trying to get the damn thang. You lucky they just fired you and didn't lock yo crazy ass up.
Willie tunes Ms. Jackson out as she continues to read him the riot act.
Ms. Jackson: ...and aint no telling what little heffas you been having running in and outta here while I'm at work. You would thank that mess with Ja' whats her face woulda taught you something--
Willie: Ok, ok Ma dang!! Aren't you supposed to be going out?
Ms. Jackson: Oh shit! I almost forgot about my food in here fooling with you.
Ms. Jackson hurries back into the kitchen to see a cloud of smoke.
Ms. Jackson: Got dammit Willie!! I done burnt my biscuits.
Willie tiptoes upstairs to his room to avoid round 2 with his mom.
Willie (to himself): Whew boy! A nigga tired eh fuh.
*turns on TV, lays on the bed and dozes off*
(End Scene)
SCENE 5
Willie is awakened by a really cool breeze in his room.
Willie(rubbing his arms trying to heat them up): What the hell going on in here it's cold as a muffuka! I bet mama turned off the heat by mistake on her way out.
As Willie goes down the hallway to check the thermostat, he hears the sound of chains rattling, then suddenly sees a man that appears to be transparent, dressed in a Santa outfit coming towards him.
Willie(screams): Aaaaahhhhh!!! Who the fuck are you?? What are you doing in here? And why the fuck you turn off the heat? Wait a minute, you the mall Santa from when I was six!!
Ghostly Santa(in an echoing ghostly voice): I am the ghost of Christmas Past. Follow meeee! Follow meee! Follow meeee....
Willie tries to run but his feet won't move and he starts to float behind his visitor. Willie and Ghostly Santa pass through the red brick walls of his project buliding and float outside to the window of another project apartment. He remembered the apartment from his childhood. There was the picture of Jesus on the wall in the living room, the big ass wooden spoon and fork on the wall in the kitchen, the plastic runner that went from the front of the apartment all the way to the back door, the beads hanging in the doorway to separate rooms, and the neon picture of the naked black woman that glows when you turn on the purple(black) light behind a card table where Ms. Jackson, Ms. Florene, Auntie Helen and Grandma Jackson are playing spades.
Willie: Hey man, this is my old apartment. What are we doing here?
Ghostly Santa gestures for Willie to be quiet and to pay attention.
(background music)
Bells will be ringing
this sad sad sad news
Oh what a Christmas
to have the blues
Grandama Jackson: You a got damn lie Helen! You DID cut diamonds!
Auntie Helen: Aint nobody cut no diamonds yo ass just drunk! If you think I renigged then pick the book.
Grandma Jackson reaches for the whole pile of books that Auntie Helen and Ms. Florene have dragged.
Auntie Helen: Oh hell no you aint!!! Pick the book I renigged on. You aint finna be looking through all our books.
Ms. Jackson: Ahhh hell, here we go with this shit. Mama, just let it go. We gone set they ass anyway.
Grandma Jackson: Naw, Janice. Fuck that! This bitch cheats everytime we play cards and you always talmbout let it go. Unh-uh not this time! And Helen don't thank I didn't know that was you that stole that quarter out my pocketbook when y'all was little either. Always have been a cheater and a liar. I hope yo husband find out about that cracka' with that chink wife you been messin'round with, and I hope her little Cambodian ass kung-fu the shit outta you!
Ms. Jackson(Gasps): MAMA!?!
Grandma Jackson: Well it's true, tell me I'm lying if it aint the truth. Tell the truth and shame the devil!
Ms. Jackson: You know what? That's it, all y'all gots to go. You aint got to go home, but you got to get the hell outta here. You too mama, let's go. Make no damn sense, y'all can't sit down and have a few dranks with out starting some shit.
Grandma Jackson(scoffs): Well I've been thrown out of better places than this. Where my got damn coat?
Ms. Florene(Willie's mom's best friend), pulls Ms. Jackson to the side.
Ms. Florene(to Ms. Jackson under her breath): Bitch you aint slick, It's 10:30, which means the mall is closed and Isaac's shift as the mall Santa is over.
Ms. Jackson(giggling): Girrrrl, you know I love me some Isaac. Don't say nothing to mama nem though, you know how they can be.
Ms. Florene: You know your secret's safe with me.
Grandma Jackson(still riled up): I know y'all bitches aint over there whispereing bout me!!
Ms. Florene: No, Mrs. Ernestine we aint talking about you. You got your coat? Come on, I'll drop you and Helen off.
Auntie Helen: SHOTGUN!!!
Grandma Jackson: I'ont want yo ass setting behind me no way, 'cause I don't trust you far as I can throw you.
Ms. Florene laughs and shakes her head and the three leave.
A few minutes later there's a knock at the door.
Ms. Jackson: Hey baby, I see you came right over after work. You know I love a man in uniform, but I guess yo Santa outfit will have to do.
Isaac: Ha ha, very funny Janice. But I couldn't wait to see you. Where's the little man?
Ms. Jackson: Oh, he's upstairs sleep.
Isaac(with a devilish grin): Oh yeah????
The two fall on the couch and proceed to get it on.
Willie turns away because he knows what's about to happen.
Ms. Jackson: Isaac stop!
Isaac: What's wrong baby?
Ms. Jackson: You gotta go.
Isaac: Wait, what I do?
Ms. Jackson: Just go Isaac, just go.
Isaac leaves and Ms. Jackson sits on the couch devastated.
Ms. Jackson(to herself): Damn! I can't believe I let Willie see me doing that. What am I going to say to him?
Ghostly Santa looks at Willie who has tears in his eyes.
Ghostly Santa: Nigga you crying??
Willie: Naw man, aint nobody crying. Sometimes my eyeballs just sweat. Why did you bring me here?
Ghostly Santa: Your mother was so hurt by the fact that you saw that, that she never allowed Isaac to visit again and eventually she cut off all communication with him, even though she was madly in love with him and thought they would get married someday.
Willie: Damn, I never knew that.
Ghostly Santa vanishes...
(End Scene)
Scene 6
Willie wakes up out of his bed in a cold sweat.
Willie: Man, that's some good shit Dr. Anderson has this week. That dream was crazy as a muffucka.
Willie drifts back off to sleep. As soon as he's sleeping again he hears...
Jeffery Jingles(dressed in a long white robe):
On the first day if Christmas my true love gave to meeee, A real bad case of herpeeees
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 strange rashes, and a real bad case of herpeees
On the third day of Christmas my true love ga--
Willie: Jeffrey Jingles! What the fuck are you doing in my house? And why aint yo feet touching the ground?
Ghostly Jeffrey: I'm not Jeffrey Jingles, I am the ghost of Christmas Present. Follow meee, follow meeee, follow meeee.
Willie(to himself): This can't be life. I gotta quit smoking that shit.
Ghostly Jeffrey and Willie float off together to the set of the Maury show.
Willie: Maaan, how did I know when you showed up it was gonna be some bullshit? What are we doing at the Maury show?
Ghostly Jeffrey motions for Willie to look as a production assistant and Maury are having a talk before Willie and Ja'stasia's segment.
PA: Maury we have the results in the case of Willasious, Willie, and Ja'stasia.
Maury: Ok, what are they.
PA: Looks like Willie IS the father.
Maury: Damn it!! That's the fourth one this week! Our ratings are going to take a hit, we have to change those results.
PA: But--
Maury: No buts, if you want to keep your job you will change those results.
*Cut to Willie and Ja'stasia's segment
Ja'stasia: Muhrry, I'm is one hundred and thirty thousand percent sure that this is Willie's baby!! Look at him Muhrry! Look at his nose and his eyebrows, that's Willie all day!
Maury: Willie, why don't you think this adorable baby boy is yours?
Willie: Plain and simple Marr, she a hoe!
Audience: Boooo!!!! (beeeep) Boooo!!!
Ja'stasia: If I'm a hoe, yo mama a hoe. Matter fact yo grandmama a hoe. Err'body know she fucking the Mr. Jimmy who owns the Jimmy's Title Pawn and Vegetable Market.
Willie: Bitch you better get off my grandmama
Ja'stasia: Don't tell me that, tell Mr. Jimmy!
Maury: Ok, OK you two. I have the results...
Willie relives the moment in his head then remembers the conversation between Maury and the production assistant.
Willie: Mutha! Fucka!!
Ghostly Jeffrey vanishes.
(End Scene)
Thursday, December 23, 2010
A SOFAKINGHOOD CHRISTMAS
SCENE 3
When Willie arrives at Dr. Anderson's office he notices something familiar about it but he can't quite put his finger on it.
Dr. Anderson: Good Afternoon Willie. Come on in.
Willie: What's up Doc? *bellows out a laugh* My bad, I've always wanted to say that.
Dr. Anderson: *blank stare* I've heard it a million times before. Have a seat on the couch, you know the routine.
As Willie approached the couch the thing that was so familiar hit him.
Willie: Maaaan, shiiiid. I aint sitting on that couch!
Dr. Anderson: Why not?
Willie: That couch smells like Bath and Body Works Cumcumber Melon and Funyuns! And everybody in Sofakinghood knows that don't nobody wear that lotion and love Funyuns but Cleta! Naw Doc, Imma stand up. I aint gone be here long anyway.
Dr. Anderson gives Willie a quizzical look trying to see what he knows.
Willie: Ohhhhh snap!! That's why that hoe started blushing when I said I was coming over here!
Dr. Anderson: Don't call her that Willie! People just don't understand Cleta like I do.
Willie: Say What Doc!?!? Man, PLEASE don't tell me you in love with the neighborhood hoe! Dude, she's been ran in to more times than the opposing team's endzone at a Detroit Lions game!
Dr. Anderson: Ok, OK! Enough about her, this session is about YOU! Now, the last time you were here you were talking about how you hate Christmas.
Willie: Yeah Doc, It all started when I asked Santa for a Red Radio Flyer wagon with the white wheels when me and my mom went to the mall that year. Now that I think back on it, I remember Santa looking at my mom more than he was looking at me. Later that night, my mom and her friends played cards anf fried fish like they usually did on Friday nights. *pauses*
Dr. Anderson: Go on.
Willie: Well, after the music died down and the cigarette smoke cleared, I went downstairs to see if my mom had fallen asleep on the couch like she usually did.
Dr. Anderson: Well, did she?
Willie: Damn nigga let me finish! To answer yo question, hell naw she wasn't sleep. Her ass was on the sofa but her ass wasn't sleep!
Dr. Anderson sits quietly.
Willie: So you wanna know what happened or not?
Dr. Anderson: Yes, but you just--
Willie: Well shit you just sitting there looking crazy. Anyway, all I see is a dude in a Santa coat smashing my mom, and to this day every Christmas when I see a damn mall Santa I wonder if that's the dude that was smashing my mom. I fucking hate Christmas.
Dr. Anderson: Got damn!! I meant, hmmm that's interesting. And how does that make you feel?
Willie: It makes me feel like the stools the elephants sit on at the circus...SHITTY!!! Never did get that damn wagon either.
After several hours of Willie talking about things he didn't get for Christmas and how it was always a disappointment, Dr. Anderson cut in.
Dr. Anderson: Wow, Willie I think you really had a break through today. Let's end here and pick up next week. What'll it be? Your usual dub sack?
Willie: You know it Doc.
Willie leaves Dr. Anderson's office and rolls one in the elevator. He figures he can smoke one on the way home and have a good night's sleep. As Willie hits his block he hears the all too familiar carol coming from across the street. It was Jeffery Jingles doing his night gig as the Sofakinghood pimp.
Jeffrey Jingles (to the tune of Winter Wonderland):
Hoes trick-IIING, are ya listening?
I want my doooough, or ass I'm kicking
I want my money toniiight, or bitch we gone fiiight
and Imma smack you with my killa pimpin' haaand...
Willie shakes his head and walks in the house to go to sleep.
(End Scene)
When Willie arrives at Dr. Anderson's office he notices something familiar about it but he can't quite put his finger on it.
Dr. Anderson: Good Afternoon Willie. Come on in.
Willie: What's up Doc? *bellows out a laugh* My bad, I've always wanted to say that.
Dr. Anderson: *blank stare* I've heard it a million times before. Have a seat on the couch, you know the routine.
As Willie approached the couch the thing that was so familiar hit him.
Willie: Maaaan, shiiiid. I aint sitting on that couch!
Dr. Anderson: Why not?
Willie: That couch smells like Bath and Body Works Cumcumber Melon and Funyuns! And everybody in Sofakinghood knows that don't nobody wear that lotion and love Funyuns but Cleta! Naw Doc, Imma stand up. I aint gone be here long anyway.
Dr. Anderson gives Willie a quizzical look trying to see what he knows.
Willie: Ohhhhh snap!! That's why that hoe started blushing when I said I was coming over here!
Dr. Anderson: Don't call her that Willie! People just don't understand Cleta like I do.
Willie: Say What Doc!?!? Man, PLEASE don't tell me you in love with the neighborhood hoe! Dude, she's been ran in to more times than the opposing team's endzone at a Detroit Lions game!
Dr. Anderson: Ok, OK! Enough about her, this session is about YOU! Now, the last time you were here you were talking about how you hate Christmas.
Willie: Yeah Doc, It all started when I asked Santa for a Red Radio Flyer wagon with the white wheels when me and my mom went to the mall that year. Now that I think back on it, I remember Santa looking at my mom more than he was looking at me. Later that night, my mom and her friends played cards anf fried fish like they usually did on Friday nights. *pauses*
Dr. Anderson: Go on.
Willie: Well, after the music died down and the cigarette smoke cleared, I went downstairs to see if my mom had fallen asleep on the couch like she usually did.
Dr. Anderson: Well, did she?
Willie: Damn nigga let me finish! To answer yo question, hell naw she wasn't sleep. Her ass was on the sofa but her ass wasn't sleep!
Dr. Anderson sits quietly.
Willie: So you wanna know what happened or not?
Dr. Anderson: Yes, but you just--
Willie: Well shit you just sitting there looking crazy. Anyway, all I see is a dude in a Santa coat smashing my mom, and to this day every Christmas when I see a damn mall Santa I wonder if that's the dude that was smashing my mom. I fucking hate Christmas.
Dr. Anderson: Got damn!! I meant, hmmm that's interesting. And how does that make you feel?
Willie: It makes me feel like the stools the elephants sit on at the circus...SHITTY!!! Never did get that damn wagon either.
After several hours of Willie talking about things he didn't get for Christmas and how it was always a disappointment, Dr. Anderson cut in.
Dr. Anderson: Wow, Willie I think you really had a break through today. Let's end here and pick up next week. What'll it be? Your usual dub sack?
Willie: You know it Doc.
Willie leaves Dr. Anderson's office and rolls one in the elevator. He figures he can smoke one on the way home and have a good night's sleep. As Willie hits his block he hears the all too familiar carol coming from across the street. It was Jeffery Jingles doing his night gig as the Sofakinghood pimp.
Jeffrey Jingles (to the tune of Winter Wonderland):
Hoes trick-IIING, are ya listening?
I want my doooough, or ass I'm kicking
I want my money toniiight, or bitch we gone fiiight
and Imma smack you with my killa pimpin' haaand...
Willie shakes his head and walks in the house to go to sleep.
(End Scene)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
A SOFAKINGHOOD CHRISTMAS SCENE 2
Scene 2
Scene opens with Willie Jackson a few blocks away. As Willie Jackson makes his way around the corner Whiz Khalifa's "Black and Yellow" blares from his coat pocket.
"uh-huh, you know what it iiiis, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow..."
Willie looks down at his phone's display and it reads, "Fucker aka Aaron".
Willie: What's up Fucker? Did I leave something at your store?
Fahkir: Why you gotta play so much Willie? Damn! You too old for that shit. Anyway man, these "folks" are in my store and they wanna know what you seen.
Willie: Nigga, you know I'on fuck wit no police! This aint the First 48 and I aint no snitch! Fuck off my phone wit dat! *click*
"uh-huh, you know what it iiiis, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow..."
Without looking this time Willie just flips his phone open (Of course, Willie still has a flip phone. What hood nigga you know with a smartphone?).
Willie(yelling into the phone walkie talkie style): Look muuufucka I told you I aint got nothing to say to no got damn police nigga!!!
Voice from phone: Lort Gawd in heaven, Willie Donzellous Hamilton Jackson! I know this aint you using that devilish language!!
Willie: Grandma???
Grandma Ernestine Jackson: Yes it's me you foul mouthed Phillistine!!!
Willie: I'm sorry grandma, I thought you were Fuc--, Aaron. Everything ok? How you doing?
Grandma Jackson: It's ok baby. Grandma doing alright, I guess I understand cause that Fucker can sho get on yo got damn nerves can't he? Whoo chile!! I went in there last week to get a nip foe I went to Bingo and don't you know that stingy wanna be sand nigga wouldn't let me owe him 30 cents?
Willie: Dang that's fuc--, that's messed up grandma.
Grandma Jackson: Anyway, I need you to run over there to Ja'stasia's Nail Shop and Condom Wholesale and see if she done got some more of that silver Gel polish in.
Willie: Ok, but why don't you just call and ask her?
Grandma Jackson: Heffa won't answer her phone. They should never gave you niggas caller ID.
Willie: Haha, you funny grandma. But, why are you going way over to Ja'stasia's anyway when Me'Ling's Nail Salon and Cucumber Pickling Plant is right on the corner of your street?
Grandma Jackson: Cause Me'Ling don't carry the Gel polish and everytime I get my nails done with that regular polish I chip it when me and the rest of the usher board shoot craps in the fellowship hall after church on 3rd Sunday. You know they still got them hard ass cement floes. (under breath) building fund my ass...
Willie: Ok, I'll go ask her but you know I can't stand her after she tried to put that baby on me.
Grandma Jackson: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. You looked so cute on Maury though. And when that heffa took off running and you did that little dance on the stage I hollered!! Whooo! Tickled Reverend Henderson so bad he had to put on his oxygen tank for bout a hour. Anyway, let me get off this phone. Let me know what she say henh?
Willie: Yes Ma'am I wi--
(inaudible background noise)
Grandma Jackson (yelling to someone in the background): Shut up Herman, I'm coming, just let your feet soak a little longer!!! (fades) shit, if ya johnson got hard as ya bunyons, I wouldn't have to use that Bullet so much...
Willie slams his phone shut and shakes his head.
Willie(thinking out loud): Whew Grandma wild!!
Cleta: Who wild Willie?
(startled) Willie: Ohhh, what's up Cleta? Nobody I was thinking out loud.
Cleta: Nigga please! If yo ass can't think in silence, I know damn well you can't think out loud.
Willie: I thought enough to use a rubber before I ran up in you.
Cleta: Go to hell Willie!
Willie: No, I'd rather not get inside your pants again.
Cleta(sarcastically): Ha ha, that's cute. Where you finna go?
Willie: Shiiid, you know them folks got me going to see Dr. Anderson talmbout a nigga got anger issues.
Cleta: *pauses and blushes as she looks at the ground* Well, you did try to run over the crossing guard at the school 'cause you thought she used to wait 'til your car came to stop traffic every morning.
Willie: SHE DID! You'on know, anyway I'm running late. Oh, aye ask yo trifling ass sister if she got some of that polish that don't chip, that ummm *snaps fingers repeatedly*
Cleta: Gel polish?
Willie: Yeah! That's it! I couldn't remember what my grandma just said.
Cleta: That's cause all you do is smoke weed and play playstation.
Willie: Don't wurrr bout all dat! Just ask yo scallywag ass sister if she got it so I can tell my grandma.
Cleta: Why she gotta be all that Willie? She wasn't all that when she had yo baby.
Willie: That aint my baby!! Didn't you see the Maury episode we was on?
Cleta: Yeah, I saw it and Vocrenetta said sometimes them thangs can be wrong and I'm telling you Lil' Willasious (that Willie and Ja'stasia put together) got yo nose AND yo eyebrows.
Willie: Man, that don't mean shit! And aint Vocrenetta the same girl who asked if deers don't know how to read, how they know to cross at that "deer X-ing" sign? Besides, we took a DNA test. You know what DNA stands for don't you?
Cleta: What?
Willie: D-is N-igga A-int........the daddy!!!
They both laugh and Willie heads towards Dr. Anderson's office.
(End Scene)
Scene opens with Willie Jackson a few blocks away. As Willie Jackson makes his way around the corner Whiz Khalifa's "Black and Yellow" blares from his coat pocket.
"uh-huh, you know what it iiiis, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow..."
Willie looks down at his phone's display and it reads, "Fucker aka Aaron".
Willie: What's up Fucker? Did I leave something at your store?
Fahkir: Why you gotta play so much Willie? Damn! You too old for that shit. Anyway man, these "folks" are in my store and they wanna know what you seen.
Willie: Nigga, you know I'on fuck wit no police! This aint the First 48 and I aint no snitch! Fuck off my phone wit dat! *click*
"uh-huh, you know what it iiiis, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow..."
Without looking this time Willie just flips his phone open (Of course, Willie still has a flip phone. What hood nigga you know with a smartphone?).
Willie(yelling into the phone walkie talkie style): Look muuufucka I told you I aint got nothing to say to no got damn police nigga!!!
Voice from phone: Lort Gawd in heaven, Willie Donzellous Hamilton Jackson! I know this aint you using that devilish language!!
Willie: Grandma???
Grandma Ernestine Jackson: Yes it's me you foul mouthed Phillistine!!!
Willie: I'm sorry grandma, I thought you were Fuc--, Aaron. Everything ok? How you doing?
Grandma Jackson: It's ok baby. Grandma doing alright, I guess I understand cause that Fucker can sho get on yo got damn nerves can't he? Whoo chile!! I went in there last week to get a nip foe I went to Bingo and don't you know that stingy wanna be sand nigga wouldn't let me owe him 30 cents?
Willie: Dang that's fuc--, that's messed up grandma.
Grandma Jackson: Anyway, I need you to run over there to Ja'stasia's Nail Shop and Condom Wholesale and see if she done got some more of that silver Gel polish in.
Willie: Ok, but why don't you just call and ask her?
Grandma Jackson: Heffa won't answer her phone. They should never gave you niggas caller ID.
Willie: Haha, you funny grandma. But, why are you going way over to Ja'stasia's anyway when Me'Ling's Nail Salon and Cucumber Pickling Plant is right on the corner of your street?
Grandma Jackson: Cause Me'Ling don't carry the Gel polish and everytime I get my nails done with that regular polish I chip it when me and the rest of the usher board shoot craps in the fellowship hall after church on 3rd Sunday. You know they still got them hard ass cement floes. (under breath) building fund my ass...
Willie: Ok, I'll go ask her but you know I can't stand her after she tried to put that baby on me.
Grandma Jackson: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. You looked so cute on Maury though. And when that heffa took off running and you did that little dance on the stage I hollered!! Whooo! Tickled Reverend Henderson so bad he had to put on his oxygen tank for bout a hour. Anyway, let me get off this phone. Let me know what she say henh?
Willie: Yes Ma'am I wi--
(inaudible background noise)
Grandma Jackson (yelling to someone in the background): Shut up Herman, I'm coming, just let your feet soak a little longer!!! (fades) shit, if ya johnson got hard as ya bunyons, I wouldn't have to use that Bullet so much...
Willie slams his phone shut and shakes his head.
Willie(thinking out loud): Whew Grandma wild!!
Cleta: Who wild Willie?
(startled) Willie: Ohhh, what's up Cleta? Nobody I was thinking out loud.
Cleta: Nigga please! If yo ass can't think in silence, I know damn well you can't think out loud.
Willie: I thought enough to use a rubber before I ran up in you.
Cleta: Go to hell Willie!
Willie: No, I'd rather not get inside your pants again.
Cleta(sarcastically): Ha ha, that's cute. Where you finna go?
Willie: Shiiid, you know them folks got me going to see Dr. Anderson talmbout a nigga got anger issues.
Cleta: *pauses and blushes as she looks at the ground* Well, you did try to run over the crossing guard at the school 'cause you thought she used to wait 'til your car came to stop traffic every morning.
Willie: SHE DID! You'on know, anyway I'm running late. Oh, aye ask yo trifling ass sister if she got some of that polish that don't chip, that ummm *snaps fingers repeatedly*
Cleta: Gel polish?
Willie: Yeah! That's it! I couldn't remember what my grandma just said.
Cleta: That's cause all you do is smoke weed and play playstation.
Willie: Don't wurrr bout all dat! Just ask yo scallywag ass sister if she got it so I can tell my grandma.
Cleta: Why she gotta be all that Willie? She wasn't all that when she had yo baby.
Willie: That aint my baby!! Didn't you see the Maury episode we was on?
Cleta: Yeah, I saw it and Vocrenetta said sometimes them thangs can be wrong and I'm telling you Lil' Willasious (that Willie and Ja'stasia put together) got yo nose AND yo eyebrows.
Willie: Man, that don't mean shit! And aint Vocrenetta the same girl who asked if deers don't know how to read, how they know to cross at that "deer X-ing" sign? Besides, we took a DNA test. You know what DNA stands for don't you?
Cleta: What?
Willie: D-is N-igga A-int........the daddy!!!
They both laugh and Willie heads towards Dr. Anderson's office.
(End Scene)
Saturday, December 11, 2010
A SOFAKINGHOOD CHRISTMAS ACT 1
A SOFAKINGHOOD CHRISTMAS
Cast of characters:
Fahkir: Owner of Fahkir's Liquor and Pawn
Jeffrey Jingles: Neighborhood thief and Christmas Caroler
Ja'stasia: the ghetto "classy" wanna be diva. Hustles the men for what she wants and does nails.
"Cleta da chrima ho": 'nuff said
Willie Jackson: A guy struggling to come to grips with his strong dislike for Christmas due to where he grew up and still lives.
Our story takes place in a town called Sofakinghood where people specialize in ratchetness aka "nigga shit".
Act 1
Willie Jackson is on his way to his weekly court ordered appointment to see his anger management counselor who also happens to be the town weed man on the low. As Willie is about to head into Fahkir's Liquor and Pawn he notices a really nice car that he hasn't seen around here before.
Willie (to himself): Looks like some crackers must've made a wrong turn.
No sooner than the thought crossed his mind he hears singing coming from the alley next to Fahkir's. He peeks around the corner and sees Jeffrey Jingles with his shirt raised just above his belt standing in front of a scared looking white couple.
Jeffrey Jingles (singing to the tune of We Wish You A Merry Christmas):
I know you see this pistol,
I know you see this pistol,
I know you see this PIS-tol, so give me your shit
I don't want to shoot you
but you know I will,
So take off all your shit bitch and give it right here....
Willie ducks back out of sight and enters Fahkir's.
Willie: What's up Fucker!? Lemme get--
Fahkir: My name is FAHKIR! Fah...Keer!!!
Willie: Man, whatever! And why the hell you talking with that Middle Eastern accent? Yo daddy Australian and yo mama Cambodian. Don't forget we went to school together AARON! Don't think for one second that you're fooling anybody with that big ass beard either. You just look like a Chinese railroad worker that needs to shave.
Fahkir: Man, fuck you Willie! I told you I shed my slave name when I found the nation. What you want?
Willie: Pssh! Miss me with that shit man, everybody knows you did that when you went to jail so the Muslims would have your back and nobody would make you their bitch! Anyway, lemme get two Peach White Owls and a box of Wine Black and Milds.
Fahkir: You must be headed to see Dr. Anderson?
Willie: Mind your business! Oh, by the way Jeffrey Jingles' roguish ass is in the alley sticking up a White couple. They should come running in 5,4,3,2....
White man bursts through the door shouting, "Call the cops we've just been robbed!!"
Willie(laughing hysterically): Ha ha ha ha, Peace out Fucker!!!
Willie leaves Fahkir to deal with the couple and sees their car speeding down the block.
(End scene)
Cast of characters:
Fahkir: Owner of Fahkir's Liquor and Pawn
Jeffrey Jingles: Neighborhood thief and Christmas Caroler
Ja'stasia: the ghetto "classy" wanna be diva. Hustles the men for what she wants and does nails.
"Cleta da chrima ho": 'nuff said
Willie Jackson: A guy struggling to come to grips with his strong dislike for Christmas due to where he grew up and still lives.
Our story takes place in a town called Sofakinghood where people specialize in ratchetness aka "nigga shit".
Act 1
Willie Jackson is on his way to his weekly court ordered appointment to see his anger management counselor who also happens to be the town weed man on the low. As Willie is about to head into Fahkir's Liquor and Pawn he notices a really nice car that he hasn't seen around here before.
Willie (to himself): Looks like some crackers must've made a wrong turn.
No sooner than the thought crossed his mind he hears singing coming from the alley next to Fahkir's. He peeks around the corner and sees Jeffrey Jingles with his shirt raised just above his belt standing in front of a scared looking white couple.
Jeffrey Jingles (singing to the tune of We Wish You A Merry Christmas):
I know you see this pistol,
I know you see this pistol,
I know you see this PIS-tol, so give me your shit
I don't want to shoot you
but you know I will,
So take off all your shit bitch and give it right here....
Willie ducks back out of sight and enters Fahkir's.
Willie: What's up Fucker!? Lemme get--
Fahkir: My name is FAHKIR! Fah...Keer!!!
Willie: Man, whatever! And why the hell you talking with that Middle Eastern accent? Yo daddy Australian and yo mama Cambodian. Don't forget we went to school together AARON! Don't think for one second that you're fooling anybody with that big ass beard either. You just look like a Chinese railroad worker that needs to shave.
Fahkir: Man, fuck you Willie! I told you I shed my slave name when I found the nation. What you want?
Willie: Pssh! Miss me with that shit man, everybody knows you did that when you went to jail so the Muslims would have your back and nobody would make you their bitch! Anyway, lemme get two Peach White Owls and a box of Wine Black and Milds.
Fahkir: You must be headed to see Dr. Anderson?
Willie: Mind your business! Oh, by the way Jeffrey Jingles' roguish ass is in the alley sticking up a White couple. They should come running in 5,4,3,2....
White man bursts through the door shouting, "Call the cops we've just been robbed!!"
Willie(laughing hysterically): Ha ha ha ha, Peace out Fucker!!!
Willie leaves Fahkir to deal with the couple and sees their car speeding down the block.
(End scene)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Hood Nursery Rhymes
- Little Jack Horner sold dope on the corner, ran off with the bomb, now he's a goner.
- Little Bo peep has lost her sheep and doesn'tknow where to find them, she lost them when she flipped her jeep, because the police got behind them.
- Three Blind Mice, see how they run, from a gang of set tripping roaches.
- Jack and Jill went up the hill, where he pushed her down for fucking Bill.
- Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack, all dressed in black black black, will steal yo shit shit shit...
- This old man, he played one, you better keep away from your son.
- Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, damn this is some good ass weed.
- Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, but her stamps didn't come yet.
- Mary had a little lamb, til Tyrone the crackhead stole it.
- Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, the police coming, nigga you better dip.
- Twinkle twinkle little star, I wish my home was not my car.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
THINGS OVERHEARD FROM THE TRAPPED CHILEAN MINERS
I secretly recorded the Chilean miners that were trapped, here is a list of things they said, in no particular order:
"There must be some Black folks coming to rescue us? They need to hurry the hell up."
"I swear to God if this broad didn't DVR Jersey Shore, it's gonna be a problem when I get outta here"!
"If Fabiano farts one more time, his mission is gonna change from rescue to recovery!"
"Are we getting paid overtime for this?"
"I wonder how they think Hector's fat ass is gonna get in that tube."
"I knew I should have taken that roofing job in America!"
"So my wife stayed up there the whole time? Fuuuuucckk!!! I thought for sure this would get rid of that bitch!"
"I bet those same damn dishes are in the sink. Lazy bitch!"
"With my luck, after 69 days trapped in a hole with 32 men, I bet my wife is on her period when I get out."
"Thank goodness for Twitlonger. I got a lot to say about this whole being stuck in a hole shit!"
"This is gonna make one hell of a Facebook status!"
"I sure hope this Nicky Minaj shit has blown over! *reaches surface* Damn it! Put me back!!!"
"Honey call up the judge shows, I'm suing these fuckers!"
"I see Rev Run's still quoting other people's shit and not giving them credit."
"Wait, Bama lost? Oh this just gets better and better doesn't it?"
"I'm so glad we're outta there. Francisco's breath was smelling like a possum abortion!"
"Lord please let them hurry up! If Mercurio sings "The Upper Room" ONE MO' TIME, that's exactly where he's going!"
"So she found out about my side chick huh? Y'all think they'll let me stay down here if I pay rent?"
"I wonder what's been happening on Good Times. Say what? James died? DAMN, DAMN, DAAAMMN!"
"Now I know how they came up with the phrase, "it's colder than a well digger's ass"."
"Fuuuuuck! I just thought about it, my Tempura Udon is gonna spoil in Cafe World."
"There must be some Black folks coming to rescue us? They need to hurry the hell up."
"I swear to God if this broad didn't DVR Jersey Shore, it's gonna be a problem when I get outta here"!
"If Fabiano farts one more time, his mission is gonna change from rescue to recovery!"
"Are we getting paid overtime for this?"
"I wonder how they think Hector's fat ass is gonna get in that tube."
"I knew I should have taken that roofing job in America!"
"So my wife stayed up there the whole time? Fuuuuucckk!!! I thought for sure this would get rid of that bitch!"
"I bet those same damn dishes are in the sink. Lazy bitch!"
"With my luck, after 69 days trapped in a hole with 32 men, I bet my wife is on her period when I get out."
"Thank goodness for Twitlonger. I got a lot to say about this whole being stuck in a hole shit!"
"This is gonna make one hell of a Facebook status!"
"I sure hope this Nicky Minaj shit has blown over! *reaches surface* Damn it! Put me back!!!"
"Honey call up the judge shows, I'm suing these fuckers!"
"I see Rev Run's still quoting other people's shit and not giving them credit."
"Wait, Bama lost? Oh this just gets better and better doesn't it?"
"I'm so glad we're outta there. Francisco's breath was smelling like a possum abortion!"
"Lord please let them hurry up! If Mercurio sings "The Upper Room" ONE MO' TIME, that's exactly where he's going!"
"So she found out about my side chick huh? Y'all think they'll let me stay down here if I pay rent?"
"I wonder what's been happening on Good Times. Say what? James died? DAMN, DAMN, DAAAMMN!"
"Now I know how they came up with the phrase, "it's colder than a well digger's ass"."
"Fuuuuuck! I just thought about it, my Tempura Udon is gonna spoil in Cafe World."
Monday, August 30, 2010
Career Advice Guide for Slackers
Career Advice Tip #341: Running late? Don't show up 10 mins late, show up 3 hrs late so they'll think you had a REAL emergency.
Career Advice Tip #657: Running late? Can't be late anymore? Still have sick days? F*ck it, don't go!
Career Advice: Got errands to run during work hours? Show up out of dress code and do them when you get sent home to change.
Career Advice Tip #429: (for females) Wanna leave early? Wrap your sweater around your waist and tell them you "messed up your clothes".
Career Advice Tip #963: Need an excuse not to go? Tell them you're too distraught because your favorite show didn't win an Emmy.
Career Advice Tip #598: Don't wanna go, but need to save your sick time? Tell them you're there with them in spirit.
Career Advice Tip #036: Need an excuse for being late? Tell them they were playing "your jam" on the radio and you just couldn't get out of the car.
Career Advice Tip #786: Running late? Tell them Pastor’s still preaching, he's trying to break the Guinness record.
Career Advice Tip #168: Need to leave early? Stay in the restroom for 30 mins and tell them you got the bubble guts.
Career Advice Tip #231: Wanna get ahead? Tell your boss his lazy eye makes him look "distinguished".
Career Advice Tip #843: (female) Got competition for a promotion? Start a rumor that she gets ass injections.
Career Advice Tip #463: (male) Got competition for a promotion? Start a rumor that he responds to text messages with "K".
Career Advice Tip #315: If you're out of sick days, just call in dead!
Career Advice Tip #657: Running late? Can't be late anymore? Still have sick days? F*ck it, don't go!
Career Advice: Got errands to run during work hours? Show up out of dress code and do them when you get sent home to change.
Career Advice Tip #429: (for females) Wanna leave early? Wrap your sweater around your waist and tell them you "messed up your clothes".
Career Advice Tip #963: Need an excuse not to go? Tell them you're too distraught because your favorite show didn't win an Emmy.
Career Advice Tip #598: Don't wanna go, but need to save your sick time? Tell them you're there with them in spirit.
Career Advice Tip #036: Need an excuse for being late? Tell them they were playing "your jam" on the radio and you just couldn't get out of the car.
Career Advice Tip #786: Running late? Tell them Pastor’s still preaching, he's trying to break the Guinness record.
Career Advice Tip #168: Need to leave early? Stay in the restroom for 30 mins and tell them you got the bubble guts.
Career Advice Tip #231: Wanna get ahead? Tell your boss his lazy eye makes him look "distinguished".
Career Advice Tip #843: (female) Got competition for a promotion? Start a rumor that she gets ass injections.
Career Advice Tip #463: (male) Got competition for a promotion? Start a rumor that he responds to text messages with "K".
Career Advice Tip #315: If you're out of sick days, just call in dead!
Top Ten BMF Remixes That Don’t Get Air Play
10. Oh sh*t! Man I forgot, I shouldn't have touched it, that pot was hot! #BMF (Burned My Fingers)
9. Where's my check, you aint sh*t, deadbeats, make me sick! #BMF (Baby Mama Fussing)
8. Why'd you tell, man what the f*ck, that was a secret, you talk too much! #BMF (Big Mouth F*cker)
7. You thought she was sweet, but she's rude, said it's your kid, it's another dude's! #BMF (Big Mistake Fool)
6. You always crying broke, need to borrow, 20 dollars, pay you tomorrow! #BMF (Beggin Mutha F*cka)
5. Had it for 6 weeks, before it came out, Soul Plane, watched it at the house! #BMF (Bootleg Movie Fail)
4. I think you broke my seat, when you sat, yeah it was you, yo ass is fat! #BMF (Broke My Furniture)
3. You got a flat ass, with big titties, knock kneed, not that pretty! #BMF (Badly Made Female)
2. I think I'm buying drinks, ballin hard, bill came, declined my card! #BMF (Blew My Funds) or (Broke Mutha F*cka)
1. I think I gotta Pee, maybe boo-boo, stomach hurts, gotta doo-doo! #BMF (Bowels Moving Fast)
9. Where's my check, you aint sh*t, deadbeats, make me sick! #BMF (Baby Mama Fussing)
8. Why'd you tell, man what the f*ck, that was a secret, you talk too much! #BMF (Big Mouth F*cker)
7. You thought she was sweet, but she's rude, said it's your kid, it's another dude's! #BMF (Big Mistake Fool)
6. You always crying broke, need to borrow, 20 dollars, pay you tomorrow! #BMF (Beggin Mutha F*cka)
5. Had it for 6 weeks, before it came out, Soul Plane, watched it at the house! #BMF (Bootleg Movie Fail)
4. I think you broke my seat, when you sat, yeah it was you, yo ass is fat! #BMF (Broke My Furniture)
3. You got a flat ass, with big titties, knock kneed, not that pretty! #BMF (Badly Made Female)
2. I think I'm buying drinks, ballin hard, bill came, declined my card! #BMF (Blew My Funds) or (Broke Mutha F*cka)
1. I think I gotta Pee, maybe boo-boo, stomach hurts, gotta doo-doo! #BMF (Bowels Moving Fast)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
As Dr. Laura Turns
For the past week or so I have been seeing and hearing people trying to defend Dr. Laura Schlessinger for her use of the “N-Word”. They say if Black people can use the word why can’t anyone else? They also quote the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States. While I appreciate their thought process on this matter I have to point out to them that by the definition of racism, Black people cannot be racist.
Here is one definition of the term:
"Racism - the use of race to establish and justify a social hierarchy and system of power that privileges, preferences or advances certain individuals or groups of people usually at the expense of others. Racism is perpetuated through both interpersonal and institutional practices."
In layman's terms, in order to be racist one must possess the power to oppress. Black people do not and have not ever possessed that power.
When it comes to Dr. Laura, saying “nigger, nigger, nigger”, that was the least offensive thing that she did. She started off by saying that "people can be hyper-sensitive, when it comes to race", when she said that, she suggested that Black people don't know when they're being insulted or perhaps they don't know when to be offended and when not to be. I'm sorry, she doesn't get a pass for this, go back and listen to the entire conversation just once more and disregard the N-word part and see if you don't find it offensive, I know I did. Here--> www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7jkow7t0G8.
For her to suggest that Black people are hyper-sensitive about race is a classic white-supremacist and racist ideology.
I agree that there is a double standard that has been established in this matter. However, double standards are as much a part of our society as the very constitution that they use to defend her. For example, women call each other the B-word and nothing is said about it, but if a man does it, he’s wrong. Gay men call each other queer and fag, but if a straight person does it, he's homophobic or a gay basher. When a man sleeps with several women, he's a stud or a "playa", but when a woman does it she's a "hoe" or slut. Let's take it a bit further and talk about the disproportionately longer sentences that Black men get compared to their white counterparts who commit the exact same crime. ALL double standards! Are they wrong? Yes! Are they fair? No! But they are as American as apple pie. Dr. Laura decided that she was going to challenge this particular double standard and failed miserably. She has a nationally syndicated radio show and has to be more responsible with what she broadcasts. Since she wasn't, then she absolutely should have to resign. Maybe next time she will try to tackle a subject that she's more equipped to handle such as "The Effects of Insulin on Rats", which is how she obtained the title "Dr" in the first place because she has a PhD in physiology, not psychology.
Well, that’s the Green Chimp’s take on it what’s yours?
Here is one definition of the term:
"Racism - the use of race to establish and justify a social hierarchy and system of power that privileges, preferences or advances certain individuals or groups of people usually at the expense of others. Racism is perpetuated through both interpersonal and institutional practices."
In layman's terms, in order to be racist one must possess the power to oppress. Black people do not and have not ever possessed that power.
When it comes to Dr. Laura, saying “nigger, nigger, nigger”, that was the least offensive thing that she did. She started off by saying that "people can be hyper-sensitive, when it comes to race", when she said that, she suggested that Black people don't know when they're being insulted or perhaps they don't know when to be offended and when not to be. I'm sorry, she doesn't get a pass for this, go back and listen to the entire conversation just once more and disregard the N-word part and see if you don't find it offensive, I know I did. Here--> www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7jkow7t0G8.
For her to suggest that Black people are hyper-sensitive about race is a classic white-supremacist and racist ideology.
I agree that there is a double standard that has been established in this matter. However, double standards are as much a part of our society as the very constitution that they use to defend her. For example, women call each other the B-word and nothing is said about it, but if a man does it, he’s wrong. Gay men call each other queer and fag, but if a straight person does it, he's homophobic or a gay basher. When a man sleeps with several women, he's a stud or a "playa", but when a woman does it she's a "hoe" or slut. Let's take it a bit further and talk about the disproportionately longer sentences that Black men get compared to their white counterparts who commit the exact same crime. ALL double standards! Are they wrong? Yes! Are they fair? No! But they are as American as apple pie. Dr. Laura decided that she was going to challenge this particular double standard and failed miserably. She has a nationally syndicated radio show and has to be more responsible with what she broadcasts. Since she wasn't, then she absolutely should have to resign. Maybe next time she will try to tackle a subject that she's more equipped to handle such as "The Effects of Insulin on Rats", which is how she obtained the title "Dr" in the first place because she has a PhD in physiology, not psychology.
Well, that’s the Green Chimp’s take on it what’s yours?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Single Black Women: Why Are There So Many?
Lately there have been several articles, blogs and even hour long news specials trying to determine why there are so many single Black women.
Some have said that there's a lack of "good Black men". They contend that a large percentage of Black men are either incarcerated, on the down low, gay, or already married. Furthermore, they suggest that many men who don't fall into any of those categories are either players, liars, afraid of commitment, or just plain low-lives. This is simply not true. Most studies show that 1 in 10 Black men are incarcerated, which leaves 9 that aren't.
There are also bloggers, writers and "relationship experts" that suggest that the Black church and religion keep Black women single. Although organized religion does have an element of brainwashing associated with it, all Black women don't attend church regularly nor do all of them subscribe to the tenants of organized religion.
Some common denominators that can be found amongst the vast majority of single Black women are their friendships with other single Black women, their desire to compete with and/or keep up with the "Joneses", and the "misery loves company" syndrome.
That's right; the REAL reason that there are a lot of single Black women is other single Black women.
The desire to be accepted by their peers causes women to overlook men who they are attracted to because they may not live up to their friends’ expectations. Black women can be very critical of one another and in doing so can cause their friends to be very conscious of who they date for fear that they will be the topic of conversation when they aren’t around. Take a woman who is getting married for instance, more often than not, instead of their friends just being happy for them, they will critique the entire wedding, from the dress to the floral arrangements, to the temperature in the church, to whether or not it started on time, to how long the kiss lasted, to who acted a fool, etc, etc, etc... God forbid the man is not absolutely PERFECT; they will talk about her like she’s the biggest fool in the world for marrying him. This causes women to not even give some men a chance if they feel like he can’t pass the “friends test”, instead of just being with the type of person SHE likes and not worrying about what others will think.
If one or some of a single woman’s friends are in a relationship, there are a few scenarios that will play out depending on the type of person the single woman is.
“The Joneses”
One scenario is that she will constantly overlook men that she likes in order to find one that she thinks is a better catch than the man/men her friend(s) are dating, instead of just being with the type of person SHE likes and not worrying about what others will think. Thus, leaving her drifting single and alone hoping to find that guy that makes her friend(s) gush over him and call her a lucky girl for finding him.
“Misery Loves Company Syndrome”
Another scenario is that she will begin to envy her friend(s) that are in relationships and begin to attempt to sabotage their relationship. Inevitably, relationships will have rough patches and those involved will look to their friends for answers as to how to get out of those rough patches. This is when the misery loves company syndrome kicks in. Instead of the single friend trying to help the involved friend find ways to resolve conflict in the relationship, she finds all the reasons in the world why she should just leave “his trifling ass”.
Sadly, more often than not the friend that is going through the rough patch falls for this and ends up back in the pool of single women.
If Black women would decide for themselves what kind of man THEY like, and not what their friends expect them to like, they will find that the pickings aren’t as slim as they think. Your love for and/or interest in a person should not be based on a competition with your friends, but solely on the desires of your heart. Be more supportive of one another, stop the hate and jealousy, and strike the word “settle” from your vocabulary. How could you be settling if it’s what YOU truly desire?
That’s the Green Chimp’s take, what yours?
Some have said that there's a lack of "good Black men". They contend that a large percentage of Black men are either incarcerated, on the down low, gay, or already married. Furthermore, they suggest that many men who don't fall into any of those categories are either players, liars, afraid of commitment, or just plain low-lives. This is simply not true. Most studies show that 1 in 10 Black men are incarcerated, which leaves 9 that aren't.
There are also bloggers, writers and "relationship experts" that suggest that the Black church and religion keep Black women single. Although organized religion does have an element of brainwashing associated with it, all Black women don't attend church regularly nor do all of them subscribe to the tenants of organized religion.
Some common denominators that can be found amongst the vast majority of single Black women are their friendships with other single Black women, their desire to compete with and/or keep up with the "Joneses", and the "misery loves company" syndrome.
That's right; the REAL reason that there are a lot of single Black women is other single Black women.
The desire to be accepted by their peers causes women to overlook men who they are attracted to because they may not live up to their friends’ expectations. Black women can be very critical of one another and in doing so can cause their friends to be very conscious of who they date for fear that they will be the topic of conversation when they aren’t around. Take a woman who is getting married for instance, more often than not, instead of their friends just being happy for them, they will critique the entire wedding, from the dress to the floral arrangements, to the temperature in the church, to whether or not it started on time, to how long the kiss lasted, to who acted a fool, etc, etc, etc... God forbid the man is not absolutely PERFECT; they will talk about her like she’s the biggest fool in the world for marrying him. This causes women to not even give some men a chance if they feel like he can’t pass the “friends test”, instead of just being with the type of person SHE likes and not worrying about what others will think.
If one or some of a single woman’s friends are in a relationship, there are a few scenarios that will play out depending on the type of person the single woman is.
“The Joneses”
One scenario is that she will constantly overlook men that she likes in order to find one that she thinks is a better catch than the man/men her friend(s) are dating, instead of just being with the type of person SHE likes and not worrying about what others will think. Thus, leaving her drifting single and alone hoping to find that guy that makes her friend(s) gush over him and call her a lucky girl for finding him.
“Misery Loves Company Syndrome”
Another scenario is that she will begin to envy her friend(s) that are in relationships and begin to attempt to sabotage their relationship. Inevitably, relationships will have rough patches and those involved will look to their friends for answers as to how to get out of those rough patches. This is when the misery loves company syndrome kicks in. Instead of the single friend trying to help the involved friend find ways to resolve conflict in the relationship, she finds all the reasons in the world why she should just leave “his trifling ass”.
Sadly, more often than not the friend that is going through the rough patch falls for this and ends up back in the pool of single women.
If Black women would decide for themselves what kind of man THEY like, and not what their friends expect them to like, they will find that the pickings aren’t as slim as they think. Your love for and/or interest in a person should not be based on a competition with your friends, but solely on the desires of your heart. Be more supportive of one another, stop the hate and jealousy, and strike the word “settle” from your vocabulary. How could you be settling if it’s what YOU truly desire?
That’s the Green Chimp’s take, what yours?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Companionship or Competition?
The dynamics of relationships today seem to have changed. It seems that relationships have shifted from being companionships to being competitions. There is a constant power struggle that takes place in homes everyday. There's a battle over who controls this, and who controls that.
Traditionally, the men were the head of the household, and the women and children followed their lead. Now, it seems as if that has changed. Almost to the point that women are seemingly trying to be men and emasculating their husbands and significant others so much that a lot of men choose to leave.
Women seem to want their cake and eat it too. Meaning, they want to wear the pants but still have the perks and free flowing movement that a skirt allows. Well, it doesn't work that way.
People should learn their roles in the relationship upfront and stick to what works for them and not what works for their friends or parents or co-workers or anyone else.
Are there too many chiefs and not enough Indians? Who should lead in the relationship? Are you involved in a competition or a companionship?
The Green Chimp wants to know.
Traditionally, the men were the head of the household, and the women and children followed their lead. Now, it seems as if that has changed. Almost to the point that women are seemingly trying to be men and emasculating their husbands and significant others so much that a lot of men choose to leave.
Women seem to want their cake and eat it too. Meaning, they want to wear the pants but still have the perks and free flowing movement that a skirt allows. Well, it doesn't work that way.
People should learn their roles in the relationship upfront and stick to what works for them and not what works for their friends or parents or co-workers or anyone else.
Are there too many chiefs and not enough Indians? Who should lead in the relationship? Are you involved in a competition or a companionship?
The Green Chimp wants to know.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
It's a good thing I'm not God
Sometimes I wonder if God had the patience of man, what would life be like, and I imagine that a letter from God would probably look like this....
Dear children,
I'm writing this letter to tell you how I feel about some of the things you do. I have given you the power of prayer along with several other tools. I made you capable of doing many things, yet a lot of you choose to do nothing but pray, and then you get upset when you don't get what you pray for. You blame me for everything that goes wrong by saying "maybe God didn't see fit for me to have it". When in actuality I have given you the tools to go out and get it yourself.
I have told you, to bring things to me in prayer, and to leave them. But, some of you keep praying and praying and praying about the same thing. If you're doing that my child, then you never left it with me. I said faith without works is dead, but you must first have faith. Once you've prayed about it and left it with me, get up off of your knees and get to work. How would you feel if one of my children that I have given to you to take care of, constantly asks you for the same thing when you have already told them you would give it to them?
I have already given you many of the answers you seek; it's up to you to use the tools that I have given you. What are you still waiting on? Sometimes, you miss the blessings I have given you by waiting on some dramatic testimony worthy moment when I've already answered the prayer if you would get off your knees and move.
All I have ever asked you to do is believe in me and accept my son Jesus as your lord and savior. I have asked you to love one another and treat each other as you would like to be treated. But, most of you can't seem to do that right. Yet, you think I'm supposed to just jump and fix the things you're too lazy to fix yourself, which I have already equipped you with the tools to fix.
How do you think this makes me feel?
Signed,
Your heavenly father
Don't get me wrong, prayer is a very powerful tool, especially when you feel like you don't know what to do or which way to go. But, it's not the only tool God has given us and sometimes we need to use those other tools rather than going to God with things that he has already given us tools to handle.
Well that's the Green Chimp's take, what's yours?
Dear children,
I'm writing this letter to tell you how I feel about some of the things you do. I have given you the power of prayer along with several other tools. I made you capable of doing many things, yet a lot of you choose to do nothing but pray, and then you get upset when you don't get what you pray for. You blame me for everything that goes wrong by saying "maybe God didn't see fit for me to have it". When in actuality I have given you the tools to go out and get it yourself.
I have told you, to bring things to me in prayer, and to leave them. But, some of you keep praying and praying and praying about the same thing. If you're doing that my child, then you never left it with me. I said faith without works is dead, but you must first have faith. Once you've prayed about it and left it with me, get up off of your knees and get to work. How would you feel if one of my children that I have given to you to take care of, constantly asks you for the same thing when you have already told them you would give it to them?
I have already given you many of the answers you seek; it's up to you to use the tools that I have given you. What are you still waiting on? Sometimes, you miss the blessings I have given you by waiting on some dramatic testimony worthy moment when I've already answered the prayer if you would get off your knees and move.
All I have ever asked you to do is believe in me and accept my son Jesus as your lord and savior. I have asked you to love one another and treat each other as you would like to be treated. But, most of you can't seem to do that right. Yet, you think I'm supposed to just jump and fix the things you're too lazy to fix yourself, which I have already equipped you with the tools to fix.
How do you think this makes me feel?
Signed,
Your heavenly father
Don't get me wrong, prayer is a very powerful tool, especially when you feel like you don't know what to do or which way to go. But, it's not the only tool God has given us and sometimes we need to use those other tools rather than going to God with things that he has already given us tools to handle.
Well that's the Green Chimp's take, what's yours?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Skin I'm In
There used to be a time when Black people weren't as health conscious as White people. Either you were naturally thin or you participated in some sort of activity that kept you trim and fit. Having gym memberships, jogging and exercising regularly, and eating healthy foods were seen as things White people did. There was also a time when anorexia and bulimia was considered to be a White folks disease (yes, they are diseases).
Aside from the obvious difference in skin color, the way Black people were built was also a factor that differentiated Blacks from Whites; which I suspect was an underlying cause of so many cases of anorexia and bulimia. White people were really shallow and judgmental of other White people with even the slightest bit of puffiness around the midsection or buttocks, a characteristic usually associated with Blacks due to the eating habits they had grown accustomed to since slavery.
It seems that things have come full circle. More and more Blacks own gym memberships, exercise regularly, and eat healthier. But why? Is it because most diet and exercise related diseases affect Blacks at a higher rate than their white counterparts (although, a lot of these conditions are hereditary)? Or, is it because they have become more conscious about the way their body looks in the same way that White people are/were?
More and more White people, on the other hand, seem to desire the very things that they used to despise. They are getting injections into their buttocks, lips, and breasts in an effort to appear to be more voluptuous or more like Black women.
Although, White people still tend to be just as shallow and judgmental about a person's physique or figure, it seems that a lot more Black people have joined them in this.
If you're not coping with high blood pressure, diabetes, or any other diet and exercise related illness, then do your thing, live your life, love yourself. However, make sure you remain conscious of eating foods that may lead to the onset of those illnesses.
Other than that, love the skin you're in.
Well, that's the Green Chimp's take on it. What's yours?
Aside from the obvious difference in skin color, the way Black people were built was also a factor that differentiated Blacks from Whites; which I suspect was an underlying cause of so many cases of anorexia and bulimia. White people were really shallow and judgmental of other White people with even the slightest bit of puffiness around the midsection or buttocks, a characteristic usually associated with Blacks due to the eating habits they had grown accustomed to since slavery.
It seems that things have come full circle. More and more Blacks own gym memberships, exercise regularly, and eat healthier. But why? Is it because most diet and exercise related diseases affect Blacks at a higher rate than their white counterparts (although, a lot of these conditions are hereditary)? Or, is it because they have become more conscious about the way their body looks in the same way that White people are/were?
More and more White people, on the other hand, seem to desire the very things that they used to despise. They are getting injections into their buttocks, lips, and breasts in an effort to appear to be more voluptuous or more like Black women.
Although, White people still tend to be just as shallow and judgmental about a person's physique or figure, it seems that a lot more Black people have joined them in this.
If you're not coping with high blood pressure, diabetes, or any other diet and exercise related illness, then do your thing, live your life, love yourself. However, make sure you remain conscious of eating foods that may lead to the onset of those illnesses.
Other than that, love the skin you're in.
Well, that's the Green Chimp's take on it. What's yours?
Friday, April 9, 2010
Top 10 Things Going Through Tiger's Mind At The Masters
10. I wonder if that housekeeper speaks English....
9. My last name aint "Woods" for nothing, Good "morning" Augusta!
8. Damn, I haven't seen this many crackers since I visited the Ritz factory!
7. I can't believe they fell for the sex rehab bit.
6. Where's Reverend Al when you need him?
5. It's hotter out here than that time me and Elin stumbled upon that cocktail waitress convention!
4. Where da h*es at?
3. Heads Pink Pony, Tails Magic City
2. A male waiter???? Very f*cking funny.
1. Now that I'm back to hitting this little white ball, it shouldn't be long before I'm back to hitting the little white h*es too.
9. My last name aint "Woods" for nothing, Good "morning" Augusta!
8. Damn, I haven't seen this many crackers since I visited the Ritz factory!
7. I can't believe they fell for the sex rehab bit.
6. Where's Reverend Al when you need him?
5. It's hotter out here than that time me and Elin stumbled upon that cocktail waitress convention!
4. Where da h*es at?
3. Heads Pink Pony, Tails Magic City
2. A male waiter???? Very f*cking funny.
1. Now that I'm back to hitting this little white ball, it shouldn't be long before I'm back to hitting the little white h*es too.
Over Before It Ever Started
In any relationship there's a beginning and an end to the relationship. How the beginning and the end are determined varies on a case by case basis. Sometimes there is a somewhat mutual understanding between the people going into the relationship. There are also instances when people actually sit down and discuss the parameters of their relationship and they lay out what their relationship will entail. The latter is few and far between.
The same holds true for ending a relationship. Sometimes, people just grow apart and no longer communicate with each other. Then, there are the relationships that end with people actually sitting down and deciding to go their separate ways. That sort of ending is also few and far between.
When entering a relationship, do you discuss the relationships details and make sure you both understand that it is an exclusive relationship? Or, do you look for certain indicators that say you're in a relationship with a person, (i.e. after having sex with a person, spending a certain amount of time with a person, or some other kind of indication)?
When ending a relationship, are you usually the one doing the breaking up, or are you the one that's usually getting broken up with?
Do people even really break up anymore, or do they just have a big argument and stop talking to each other, or simply drift apart?
If there's is no official beginning can there ever really be an official ending?
Closure at the end of a relationship is vital. Is the lack of closure in relationships the gateway to bitterness and is this why people feel like they can't find solid relationships?
The Green Chimp wants to know, what you think.
The same holds true for ending a relationship. Sometimes, people just grow apart and no longer communicate with each other. Then, there are the relationships that end with people actually sitting down and deciding to go their separate ways. That sort of ending is also few and far between.
When entering a relationship, do you discuss the relationships details and make sure you both understand that it is an exclusive relationship? Or, do you look for certain indicators that say you're in a relationship with a person, (i.e. after having sex with a person, spending a certain amount of time with a person, or some other kind of indication)?
When ending a relationship, are you usually the one doing the breaking up, or are you the one that's usually getting broken up with?
Do people even really break up anymore, or do they just have a big argument and stop talking to each other, or simply drift apart?
If there's is no official beginning can there ever really be an official ending?
Closure at the end of a relationship is vital. Is the lack of closure in relationships the gateway to bitterness and is this why people feel like they can't find solid relationships?
The Green Chimp wants to know, what you think.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
What happened to Mrs. James?
Right at the corner of Oakhill Avenue and Lillian Avenue stood a pillar of the Adair Park community in Atlanta. There was no statue or plaque located here. It was simply Mrs. James' front porch. Every child in that neighborhood had to pass Mrs. James' front porch for some reason or another. Whether it was going to the park or the neighborhood store, the route you took led you past Mrs. James's porch.
Mrs. James' porch was significant in that this is where the mother of the neighborhood spent most of her time. She would sit on her front porch and watch what went on in the 'hood. She knew every child and she knew their parents. If you were out of line in the presence of Mrs. James, you may as well have been out of line in front of your own parents. She would chastise you as if she were your mother and make a phone call that would beat you home before you could tell your side of the story, which led to whipping number 2. As a matter of fact, just about any adult on the block would get you if you were in the streets disgracing your parents' good name.
What happened to the Mrs. James’s in our community?
I'll tell you what happened to them. A new breed of parent came about. This new breed of parent said things like, "You better not lay a finger on my child" and "That damn teacher gets on my nerves calling here"; all the while never addressing the behavior from the child that caused the phone call or the discipline from another adult. Then the kids just got out of control. No discipline at home and none in the streets. Now it appears that they are so out of control that people are afraid to say anything to them parents included.
Are we afraid of the next generation? Are we allowing them to throw their lives away out of fear for what they might do if we tried to talk to them? Is it their fault that they're lost or are we part of the problem for not showing them the way?
An African proverb says: "It takes a village to raise a child". Our village needs to come together and step up, so that we can start raising ALL of our children, not just the ones inside our own homes.
That's the Green Chimp's take on it, what's yours?
Mrs. James' porch was significant in that this is where the mother of the neighborhood spent most of her time. She would sit on her front porch and watch what went on in the 'hood. She knew every child and she knew their parents. If you were out of line in the presence of Mrs. James, you may as well have been out of line in front of your own parents. She would chastise you as if she were your mother and make a phone call that would beat you home before you could tell your side of the story, which led to whipping number 2. As a matter of fact, just about any adult on the block would get you if you were in the streets disgracing your parents' good name.
What happened to the Mrs. James’s in our community?
I'll tell you what happened to them. A new breed of parent came about. This new breed of parent said things like, "You better not lay a finger on my child" and "That damn teacher gets on my nerves calling here"; all the while never addressing the behavior from the child that caused the phone call or the discipline from another adult. Then the kids just got out of control. No discipline at home and none in the streets. Now it appears that they are so out of control that people are afraid to say anything to them parents included.
Are we afraid of the next generation? Are we allowing them to throw their lives away out of fear for what they might do if we tried to talk to them? Is it their fault that they're lost or are we part of the problem for not showing them the way?
An African proverb says: "It takes a village to raise a child". Our village needs to come together and step up, so that we can start raising ALL of our children, not just the ones inside our own homes.
That's the Green Chimp's take on it, what's yours?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
16 and Preggers
There's a show that runs on MTV that is in its second season called "16 and Pregnant". After watching several episodes from Season 1 and several from Season 2, and I'm of the opinion that if I'm a 16 yr old girl thinking about having a baby, this show would do absolutely nothing to discourage me!
Often times people really lambast BET for its choice of programming. However, I think as bad as BET's programming is, this show can be far more damaging than ANY of the coonery and bafoonery found on BET. To me, this show serves no other purpose than to glorify and glamorize teen pregnancy. Of course MTV argues the opposite. MTV, says that this show sheds light on the difficulties and struggles of teen pregnancy. All the while billing its trailer like this, “16 and Pregnant” returns with new girls, new stories and all-new drama". Does this sound like it's trying to illustrate the negative aspects of teen pregnancy to you?
It is important not to generalize about the potentially negative outcomes of teenage pregnancy. Not all instances of teenage child bearing are detrimental for either the mother or child. Nevertheless, most teen pregnancies are unintended. In fact, 8 in 10 of these pregnancies are unintentional and 81% are to unmarried teens. "The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the industrialized world. The Center for Disease control says that one-third of girls get pregnant before the age of 20."(livestrong.com).
With numbers like that, is this really a show that needs to be airing on one of the most watched stations by teens and young adults?
In the age of over-night sensations, and viral videos, what's to keep a young girl seeking her 15 minutes of fame from getting pregnant just to have her own episode? This is a failure of epic proportions by this network.
Well, that's the Green Chimp's take, what's yours?
Often times people really lambast BET for its choice of programming. However, I think as bad as BET's programming is, this show can be far more damaging than ANY of the coonery and bafoonery found on BET. To me, this show serves no other purpose than to glorify and glamorize teen pregnancy. Of course MTV argues the opposite. MTV, says that this show sheds light on the difficulties and struggles of teen pregnancy. All the while billing its trailer like this, “16 and Pregnant” returns with new girls, new stories and all-new drama". Does this sound like it's trying to illustrate the negative aspects of teen pregnancy to you?
It is important not to generalize about the potentially negative outcomes of teenage pregnancy. Not all instances of teenage child bearing are detrimental for either the mother or child. Nevertheless, most teen pregnancies are unintended. In fact, 8 in 10 of these pregnancies are unintentional and 81% are to unmarried teens. "The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the industrialized world. The Center for Disease control says that one-third of girls get pregnant before the age of 20."(livestrong.com).
With numbers like that, is this really a show that needs to be airing on one of the most watched stations by teens and young adults?
In the age of over-night sensations, and viral videos, what's to keep a young girl seeking her 15 minutes of fame from getting pregnant just to have her own episode? This is a failure of epic proportions by this network.
Well, that's the Green Chimp's take, what's yours?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Internal Warfare
By now I'm sure most of you have either heard or heard about the rift between Rev. Al Sharpton and Tavis Smiley. It seems that the issue between them is whether or not President Obama needs to focus on a "Black agenda". Well, I'm sure you have your opinion about that issue and so do I, but I think there's another issue that's more prevalent and needs more attention than the so called Black agenda that Sharpton and Smiley are debating. It's the internal warfare between people of color.
The way I see it is this, we're fighting a war within a war. There's a war between, African-Americans, Black folks, and Niggas.
African-Americans have made a little money and have their noses turned up at the rest of us, so much so that they don't want to be called Black anymore, they're "African-Americans". I guess they figure if they add the American to it that somehow this country will actually give a damn about them.
Black folks are in the middle struggling trying to keep the race together, all the while trying to move it forward as a whole and not just a few here and there.
And, niggas are doing dumb shit like, making millions of dollars off of their God given talents but jeopardizing it all and messing it up for everybody else by bringing guns into the locker room, or having weed and guns on their tour bus and going to jail for it. The saddest thing about niggas is that they are the ones that a lot of our kids look up to. Until we stop fighting this internal war, we'll never be ready for the real war that we need to fight.
So, Mr. Smiley and Rev. Sharpton, until we address this issue, I don't see how we can try to push a Black agenda on ANY president, not just the Black one, and genuinely expect real results, because we can't get it together as a people in order to reap any benefits of a Black agenda being addressed by the president.
That's The Green Chimp's take on it, what's yours?
The way I see it is this, we're fighting a war within a war. There's a war between, African-Americans, Black folks, and Niggas.
African-Americans have made a little money and have their noses turned up at the rest of us, so much so that they don't want to be called Black anymore, they're "African-Americans". I guess they figure if they add the American to it that somehow this country will actually give a damn about them.
Black folks are in the middle struggling trying to keep the race together, all the while trying to move it forward as a whole and not just a few here and there.
And, niggas are doing dumb shit like, making millions of dollars off of their God given talents but jeopardizing it all and messing it up for everybody else by bringing guns into the locker room, or having weed and guns on their tour bus and going to jail for it. The saddest thing about niggas is that they are the ones that a lot of our kids look up to. Until we stop fighting this internal war, we'll never be ready for the real war that we need to fight.
So, Mr. Smiley and Rev. Sharpton, until we address this issue, I don't see how we can try to push a Black agenda on ANY president, not just the Black one, and genuinely expect real results, because we can't get it together as a people in order to reap any benefits of a Black agenda being addressed by the president.
That's The Green Chimp's take on it, what's yours?
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Got Singles?
Have you ever noticed how married couples or just couples in general tend to surround themselves with other couples? I don't know if it's a "birds of a feather flock together" type of situation, or if one person in each particular party makes a conscious effort to make it that way. But, inevitably it happens and the crew of couples is formed.
What happens when one of those couples splits up or gets divorced? What happens when the male and the female, or the husband and the wife, boyfriend and girlfriend (you get the picture) becomes the single guy and the single girl? What now?
They're no longer part of the crew, but the guys will usually remain friends with the guys and the girls will usually remain friends with the girls, unless one of the guys was friends with one of the girls before the crew formed. But anyway, the single people don't usually hang out with the crew like they used to anymore. I mean, from time to time someone in the crew will invite them out sympathetically as the 3rd or 5th wheel, but it's never the same. They're usually left trying to decide what to do with their weekends, while the crew goes on about its business.
Have you ever been the single guy and when you want to hang out with the fellas you can't because they have prior engagements with the crew? Or, have you ever been the single girl and found yourself wondering why you haven't kicked it with your girls in forever? And, if you do happen to get a chance to hang out with one of them, it's your fault if they happen to stay out later than they were supposed to, because according to their mate, you're the single hound dog or hoe that's trying to influence them to kick it how you do.
I've come to find that it's important to keep single friends as a part of your circle, just for these reasons.
What do you think?
What happens when one of those couples splits up or gets divorced? What happens when the male and the female, or the husband and the wife, boyfriend and girlfriend (you get the picture) becomes the single guy and the single girl? What now?
They're no longer part of the crew, but the guys will usually remain friends with the guys and the girls will usually remain friends with the girls, unless one of the guys was friends with one of the girls before the crew formed. But anyway, the single people don't usually hang out with the crew like they used to anymore. I mean, from time to time someone in the crew will invite them out sympathetically as the 3rd or 5th wheel, but it's never the same. They're usually left trying to decide what to do with their weekends, while the crew goes on about its business.
Have you ever been the single guy and when you want to hang out with the fellas you can't because they have prior engagements with the crew? Or, have you ever been the single girl and found yourself wondering why you haven't kicked it with your girls in forever? And, if you do happen to get a chance to hang out with one of them, it's your fault if they happen to stay out later than they were supposed to, because according to their mate, you're the single hound dog or hoe that's trying to influence them to kick it how you do.
I've come to find that it's important to keep single friends as a part of your circle, just for these reasons.
What do you think?
Friday, February 12, 2010
In Love With The Side Piece
For those people who have decided to have a side piece or are trying to decide whether or not to have one, there are certain rules that apply, and if followed will make the situation a lot less messy. If you're teetering on taking on a side piece, I'd advise you not to do it, because it's more of a headache than it's worth?
But, if you must or you already have, then here are a few rules to help you with it:
1. Be honest--thats right, from the gate you should tell them the truth. I've found that people would rather have a choice in what happens in their lives. Ya think? Seems simple enough, but you'd be surprised how many people break this rule. If you're married or in a committed relationship, say so, DON'T LIE ABOUT IT! Lies tend to piss people off.
2. It is what it is-- don't go falling in love or allowing them to fall in love when you know damn well you're not going to leave the person you're with.
3. When it's over...IT'S OVER--when either you or the other person has decided to end it(drumroll) LET IT GO!!! This rule is especially important to the green chimp because he as a friend who told his side piece that he got a divorce and when she asked for proof, he set out to create false divorce papers. SMH! Dude, that's your out, end it and LET IT GO!
I'm sure there are way more rules than this. I invite you to add your own rules or just make comments about the whole side piece phenomenon.
--The Green Chimp
But, if you must or you already have, then here are a few rules to help you with it:
1. Be honest--thats right, from the gate you should tell them the truth. I've found that people would rather have a choice in what happens in their lives. Ya think? Seems simple enough, but you'd be surprised how many people break this rule. If you're married or in a committed relationship, say so, DON'T LIE ABOUT IT! Lies tend to piss people off.
2. It is what it is-- don't go falling in love or allowing them to fall in love when you know damn well you're not going to leave the person you're with.
3. When it's over...IT'S OVER--when either you or the other person has decided to end it(drumroll) LET IT GO!!! This rule is especially important to the green chimp because he as a friend who told his side piece that he got a divorce and when she asked for proof, he set out to create false divorce papers. SMH! Dude, that's your out, end it and LET IT GO!
I'm sure there are way more rules than this. I invite you to add your own rules or just make comments about the whole side piece phenomenon.
--The Green Chimp
Welcome
Welcome,
So, a lot of people ask me where I come up with the things I say and the answer is simple. There's a green chimp that sits in the corner of my office smoking cigarettes that tells me what to say. Nobody can see him or hear him except me, until now that is. After much debate the green chimp and I have decided to share his insight with everyone else, so we created this blog.
As usual, the green chimp has a "different" way of looking at things and this blog will be no different. Some people send me messages asking for advice or my insight on things, and I usually consult the green chimp. Now you can directly consult the green chimp yourself. If you need advice on something or just want to see a topic be discussed, simply send an email to thegreenchimp@gmail.com and let the green chimp help you out.
From time to time he will post different scenarios (of course keeping them anonymous) to this blog so that you can get different perspectives from the people following this blog.
Be sure to check this blog out for different stories, funny anecdotes and some real talk issues. Look forward to hearing from you. Again, Welcome!!
--Derrick
P.S. All future posts will be written and signed by The Green Chimp
So, a lot of people ask me where I come up with the things I say and the answer is simple. There's a green chimp that sits in the corner of my office smoking cigarettes that tells me what to say. Nobody can see him or hear him except me, until now that is. After much debate the green chimp and I have decided to share his insight with everyone else, so we created this blog.
As usual, the green chimp has a "different" way of looking at things and this blog will be no different. Some people send me messages asking for advice or my insight on things, and I usually consult the green chimp. Now you can directly consult the green chimp yourself. If you need advice on something or just want to see a topic be discussed, simply send an email to thegreenchimp@gmail.com and let the green chimp help you out.
From time to time he will post different scenarios (of course keeping them anonymous) to this blog so that you can get different perspectives from the people following this blog.
Be sure to check this blog out for different stories, funny anecdotes and some real talk issues. Look forward to hearing from you. Again, Welcome!!
--Derrick
P.S. All future posts will be written and signed by The Green Chimp
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