Scene 4
Willie walks into the house and flops down on the couch and exhales. For some reason he starts to stare at the Christmas tree.
Willie: MA!!!....Yo Ma!
Willie's mom comes from the kitchen wiping her hands on her apron.
Ms. Jackson: What is it Willie? I'm trynna cook foe I go down to Huckabucks's with Florene and your grandmomma. Why you hollin' like you done lost yo mind? What little you had left.
Willie: I think your Christmas lights broke. Like they got a short in 'em or something.
Ms. Jackson: They look fine to me. What are you talking about?
Willie: Just look at 'em, watch 'em start blinking.
Ms. Jackson: Fool! They are supposed to blink! They're Christmas lights! You need to stop smokin that shit! I aint got time for this foolishness. You look high as a Mink coat!
Willie: Aint nobody high, I'm just tired.
Ms. Jackson: Tired? Tired from what? Yo ass aint worked in 2 weeks 'cause you got fired from your job as a Frisbee Thrower at the dog show. All you had to do was keep throwing the frisbees for the dogs like you been doing. But noooo, my son, Willie Donzellous Hamilton Jackson decides that it would be fun to throw a got damn boomerang and fucked around and had Mastivs and Border Collies all up in the stands trampling folks trying to get the damn thang. You lucky they just fired you and didn't lock yo crazy ass up.
Willie tunes Ms. Jackson out as she continues to read him the riot act.
Ms. Jackson: ...and aint no telling what little heffas you been having running in and outta here while I'm at work. You would thank that mess with Ja' whats her face woulda taught you something--
Willie: Ok, ok Ma dang!! Aren't you supposed to be going out?
Ms. Jackson: Oh shit! I almost forgot about my food in here fooling with you.
Ms. Jackson hurries back into the kitchen to see a cloud of smoke.
Ms. Jackson: Got dammit Willie!! I done burnt my biscuits.
Willie tiptoes upstairs to his room to avoid round 2 with his mom.
Willie (to himself): Whew boy! A nigga tired eh fuh.
*turns on TV, lays on the bed and dozes off*
(End Scene)
SCENE 5
Willie is awakened by a really cool breeze in his room.
Willie(rubbing his arms trying to heat them up): What the hell going on in here it's cold as a muffuka! I bet mama turned off the heat by mistake on her way out.
As Willie goes down the hallway to check the thermostat, he hears the sound of chains rattling, then suddenly sees a man that appears to be transparent, dressed in a Santa outfit coming towards him.
Willie(screams): Aaaaahhhhh!!! Who the fuck are you?? What are you doing in here? And why the fuck you turn off the heat? Wait a minute, you the mall Santa from when I was six!!
Ghostly Santa(in an echoing ghostly voice): I am the ghost of Christmas Past. Follow meeee! Follow meee! Follow meeee....
Willie tries to run but his feet won't move and he starts to float behind his visitor. Willie and Ghostly Santa pass through the red brick walls of his project buliding and float outside to the window of another project apartment. He remembered the apartment from his childhood. There was the picture of Jesus on the wall in the living room, the big ass wooden spoon and fork on the wall in the kitchen, the plastic runner that went from the front of the apartment all the way to the back door, the beads hanging in the doorway to separate rooms, and the neon picture of the naked black woman that glows when you turn on the purple(black) light behind a card table where Ms. Jackson, Ms. Florene, Auntie Helen and Grandma Jackson are playing spades.
Willie: Hey man, this is my old apartment. What are we doing here?
Ghostly Santa gestures for Willie to be quiet and to pay attention.
(background music)
Bells will be ringing
this sad sad sad news
Oh what a Christmas
to have the blues
Grandama Jackson: You a got damn lie Helen! You DID cut diamonds!
Auntie Helen: Aint nobody cut no diamonds yo ass just drunk! If you think I renigged then pick the book.
Grandma Jackson reaches for the whole pile of books that Auntie Helen and Ms. Florene have dragged.
Auntie Helen: Oh hell no you aint!!! Pick the book I renigged on. You aint finna be looking through all our books.
Ms. Jackson: Ahhh hell, here we go with this shit. Mama, just let it go. We gone set they ass anyway.
Grandma Jackson: Naw, Janice. Fuck that! This bitch cheats everytime we play cards and you always talmbout let it go. Unh-uh not this time! And Helen don't thank I didn't know that was you that stole that quarter out my pocketbook when y'all was little either. Always have been a cheater and a liar. I hope yo husband find out about that cracka' with that chink wife you been messin'round with, and I hope her little Cambodian ass kung-fu the shit outta you!
Ms. Jackson(Gasps): MAMA!?!
Grandma Jackson: Well it's true, tell me I'm lying if it aint the truth. Tell the truth and shame the devil!
Ms. Jackson: You know what? That's it, all y'all gots to go. You aint got to go home, but you got to get the hell outta here. You too mama, let's go. Make no damn sense, y'all can't sit down and have a few dranks with out starting some shit.
Grandma Jackson(scoffs): Well I've been thrown out of better places than this. Where my got damn coat?
Ms. Florene(Willie's mom's best friend), pulls Ms. Jackson to the side.
Ms. Florene(to Ms. Jackson under her breath): Bitch you aint slick, It's 10:30, which means the mall is closed and Isaac's shift as the mall Santa is over.
Ms. Jackson(giggling): Girrrrl, you know I love me some Isaac. Don't say nothing to mama nem though, you know how they can be.
Ms. Florene: You know your secret's safe with me.
Grandma Jackson(still riled up): I know y'all bitches aint over there whispereing bout me!!
Ms. Florene: No, Mrs. Ernestine we aint talking about you. You got your coat? Come on, I'll drop you and Helen off.
Auntie Helen: SHOTGUN!!!
Grandma Jackson: I'ont want yo ass setting behind me no way, 'cause I don't trust you far as I can throw you.
Ms. Florene laughs and shakes her head and the three leave.
A few minutes later there's a knock at the door.
Ms. Jackson: Hey baby, I see you came right over after work. You know I love a man in uniform, but I guess yo Santa outfit will have to do.
Isaac: Ha ha, very funny Janice. But I couldn't wait to see you. Where's the little man?
Ms. Jackson: Oh, he's upstairs sleep.
Isaac(with a devilish grin): Oh yeah????
The two fall on the couch and proceed to get it on.
Willie turns away because he knows what's about to happen.
Ms. Jackson: Isaac stop!
Isaac: What's wrong baby?
Ms. Jackson: You gotta go.
Isaac: Wait, what I do?
Ms. Jackson: Just go Isaac, just go.
Isaac leaves and Ms. Jackson sits on the couch devastated.
Ms. Jackson(to herself): Damn! I can't believe I let Willie see me doing that. What am I going to say to him?
Ghostly Santa looks at Willie who has tears in his eyes.
Ghostly Santa: Nigga you crying??
Willie: Naw man, aint nobody crying. Sometimes my eyeballs just sweat. Why did you bring me here?
Ghostly Santa: Your mother was so hurt by the fact that you saw that, that she never allowed Isaac to visit again and eventually she cut off all communication with him, even though she was madly in love with him and thought they would get married someday.
Willie: Damn, I never knew that.
Ghostly Santa vanishes...
(End Scene)
Scene 6
Willie wakes up out of his bed in a cold sweat.
Willie: Man, that's some good shit Dr. Anderson has this week. That dream was crazy as a muffucka.
Willie drifts back off to sleep. As soon as he's sleeping again he hears...
Jeffery Jingles(dressed in a long white robe):
On the first day if Christmas my true love gave to meeee, A real bad case of herpeeees
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 strange rashes, and a real bad case of herpeees
On the third day of Christmas my true love ga--
Willie: Jeffrey Jingles! What the fuck are you doing in my house? And why aint yo feet touching the ground?
Ghostly Jeffrey: I'm not Jeffrey Jingles, I am the ghost of Christmas Present. Follow meee, follow meeee, follow meeee.
Willie(to himself): This can't be life. I gotta quit smoking that shit.
Ghostly Jeffrey and Willie float off together to the set of the Maury show.
Willie: Maaan, how did I know when you showed up it was gonna be some bullshit? What are we doing at the Maury show?
Ghostly Jeffrey motions for Willie to look as a production assistant and Maury are having a talk before Willie and Ja'stasia's segment.
PA: Maury we have the results in the case of Willasious, Willie, and Ja'stasia.
Maury: Ok, what are they.
PA: Looks like Willie IS the father.
Maury: Damn it!! That's the fourth one this week! Our ratings are going to take a hit, we have to change those results.
PA: But--
Maury: No buts, if you want to keep your job you will change those results.
*Cut to Willie and Ja'stasia's segment
Ja'stasia: Muhrry, I'm is one hundred and thirty thousand percent sure that this is Willie's baby!! Look at him Muhrry! Look at his nose and his eyebrows, that's Willie all day!
Maury: Willie, why don't you think this adorable baby boy is yours?
Willie: Plain and simple Marr, she a hoe!
Audience: Boooo!!!! (beeeep) Boooo!!!
Ja'stasia: If I'm a hoe, yo mama a hoe. Matter fact yo grandmama a hoe. Err'body know she fucking the Mr. Jimmy who owns the Jimmy's Title Pawn and Vegetable Market.
Willie: Bitch you better get off my grandmama
Ja'stasia: Don't tell me that, tell Mr. Jimmy!
Maury: Ok, OK you two. I have the results...
Willie relives the moment in his head then remembers the conversation between Maury and the production assistant.
Willie: Mutha! Fucka!!
Ghostly Jeffrey vanishes.
(End Scene)
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