A SOFAKINGHOOD CHRISTMAS SCENE 2

Scene 2
Scene opens with Willie Jackson a few blocks away. As Willie Jackson makes his way around the corner Whiz Khalifa's "Black and Yellow" blares from his coat pocket.

"uh-huh, you know what it iiiis, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow..."

Willie looks down at his phone's display and it reads, "Fucker aka Aaron".

Willie: What's up Fucker? Did I leave something at your store?

Fahkir: Why you gotta play so much Willie? Damn! You too old for that shit. Anyway man, these "folks" are in my store and they wanna know what you seen.

Willie: Nigga, you know I'on fuck wit no police! This aint the First 48 and I aint no snitch! Fuck off my phone wit dat! *click*

"uh-huh, you know what it iiiis, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow..."

Without looking this time Willie just flips his phone open (Of course, Willie still has a flip phone. What hood nigga you know with a smartphone?).

Willie(yelling into the phone walkie talkie style): Look muuufucka I told you I aint got nothing to say to no got damn police nigga!!!

Voice from phone: Lort Gawd in heaven, Willie Donzellous Hamilton Jackson! I know this aint you using that devilish language!!

Willie: Grandma???

Grandma Ernestine Jackson: Yes it's me you foul mouthed Phillistine!!!

Willie: I'm sorry grandma, I thought you were Fuc--, Aaron. Everything ok? How you doing?

Grandma Jackson: It's ok baby. Grandma doing alright, I guess I understand cause that Fucker can sho get on yo got damn nerves can't he? Whoo chile!! I went in there last week to get a nip foe I went to Bingo and don't you know that stingy wanna be sand nigga wouldn't let me owe him 30 cents?

Willie: Dang that's fuc--, that's messed up grandma.

Grandma Jackson: Anyway, I need you to run over there to Ja'stasia's Nail Shop and Condom Wholesale and see if she done got some more of that silver Gel polish in.

Willie: Ok, but why don't you just call and ask her?

Grandma Jackson: Heffa won't answer her phone. They should never gave you niggas caller ID.

Willie: Haha, you funny grandma. But, why are you going way over to Ja'stasia's anyway when Me'Ling's Nail Salon and Cucumber Pickling Plant is right on the corner of your street?

Grandma Jackson: Cause Me'Ling don't carry the Gel polish and everytime I get my nails done with that regular polish I chip it when me and the rest of the usher board shoot craps in the fellowship hall after church on 3rd Sunday. You know they still got them hard ass cement floes. (under breath) building fund my ass...

Willie: Ok, I'll go ask her but you know I can't stand her after she tried to put that baby on me.

Grandma Jackson: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. You looked so cute on Maury though. And when that heffa took off running and you did that little dance on the stage I hollered!! Whooo! Tickled Reverend Henderson so bad he had to put on his oxygen tank for bout a hour. Anyway, let me get off this phone. Let me know what she say henh?

Willie: Yes Ma'am I wi--

(inaudible background noise)

Grandma Jackson (yelling to someone in the background): Shut up Herman, I'm coming, just let your feet soak a little longer!!! (fades) shit, if ya johnson got hard as ya bunyons, I wouldn't have to use that Bullet so much...

Willie slams his phone shut and shakes his head.

Willie(thinking out loud): Whew Grandma wild!!

Cleta: Who wild Willie?

(startled) Willie: Ohhh, what's up Cleta? Nobody I was thinking out loud.

Cleta: Nigga please! If yo ass can't think in silence, I know damn well you can't think out loud.

Willie: I thought enough to use a rubber before I ran up in you.

Cleta: Go to hell Willie!

Willie: No, I'd rather not get inside your pants again.

Cleta(sarcastically): Ha ha, that's cute. Where you finna go?

Willie: Shiiid, you know them folks got me going to see Dr. Anderson talmbout a nigga got anger issues.

Cleta: *pauses and blushes as she looks at the ground* Well, you did try to run over the crossing guard at the school 'cause you thought she used to wait 'til your car came to stop traffic every morning.

Willie: SHE DID! You'on know, anyway I'm running late. Oh, aye ask yo trifling ass sister if she got some of that polish that don't chip, that ummm *snaps fingers repeatedly*

Cleta: Gel polish?

Willie: Yeah! That's it! I couldn't remember what my grandma just said.

Cleta: That's cause all you do is smoke weed and play playstation.

Willie: Don't wurrr bout all dat! Just ask yo scallywag ass sister if she got it so I can tell my grandma.

Cleta: Why she gotta be all that Willie? She wasn't all that when she had yo baby.

Willie: That aint my baby!! Didn't you see the Maury episode we was on?

Cleta: Yeah, I saw it and Vocrenetta said sometimes them thangs can be wrong and I'm telling you Lil' Willasious (that Willie and Ja'stasia put together) got yo nose AND yo eyebrows.

Willie: Man, that don't mean shit! And aint Vocrenetta the same girl who asked if deers don't know how to read, how they know to cross at that "deer X-ing" sign? Besides, we took a DNA test. You know what DNA stands for don't you?

Cleta: What?

Willie: D-is N-igga A-int........the daddy!!!

They both laugh and Willie heads towards Dr. Anderson's office.

(End Scene)